Escapades of a Former Free Spirit

2009-02-04T20:36:00.005-05:00

So for starters, I would like to apologize for not posting in nearly a month. I can't even explain how much shit has happened. And I don't say shit in the bad sense of the word. Well my New Years' resolution was to not swear as much.... and to stop drinking. The swearing thing isn't going so well, but the drinking thing is going fabulously. Montana says I can just casually drink and not drink until I vomit/pass out. Well I could do without the extra caloric intake of alcohol.

Speaking of Montana. WOW. Where do I begin? Well how about over break? I obviously missed him like crazy. Something I was completely surprised about, mind you. I mean, I knew I would miss him, but who knew that much? So needless to say I ran up my phone bill with texting him all day every day. I believe there was one day that we didn't talk over break, and it drove me nuts. Oh! Side story-- apparently I got half of my promised $20,000 bonus, which equated to $6,900 after taxes. Imagine my bank account used to be -$5.40 and suddenly it's over $7,000! Well, I went a little nuts. I can back to school with about $3000. Yeah. I bought my sister a $300 mixer, dropped $450 on a new phone for myself and my mum (will get to that), bought $200 worth of bras and panties from Victoria's Secret (I needed it!), took Bonnie and Montana out to dinner (The Novio was suppose to go, but he had to work or something), and various other things. I am a crazy spender. But back to Montana. Well we missed each other a LOT, and we both thought of each other every day. I hate talking on the phone and we had two 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 hour conversations. Yeeeah. And there was never a dull moment.

And we've now returned to our regularly scheduled program.

2009-01-13T07:54:00.003-05:00

So I'm back! Not just from the oblivion that is winter break (and too much partying new years eve... ugh), but back to school as well. And yes, I've done some (very) intense thinking... about a lot of things. Like Montana, chemistry as a major, my academic and military career, etc. So! My thoughts? Well, I'm going to drop the chemistry major and pick up French and Spanish and do chemistry as a minor (I've put entirely too much work into it not to get something out of it)

....... and I don't exactly remember what else I was going to say (as of 2/4/09)

2, 4, 10, 20.... 182

2008-12-21T12:08:00.003-05:00

2 Days--

Until I see mis abuelos!! Ahhh! I'm so excited! Mon grand-pere and I keep missing each other; every time I call he's asleep, and everytime he calls I'm asleep. But that's okay. I'm going to see my granddaddy! And my grandmother! Mis abuelos! Plus I'll get to see Banana, and I can NOT WAIT until she opens her present(s?) from me. Mum had to stop me from buying her 7326942874329643729 million things. Oh just you wait. Like my blog usage? The whole hyperlink thing? Thought I would try it out, but I'm not going to start doing it. I like the cleanliness of my blog, just regular posts. Perhaps some photos, though? No. I have another use for thos...

4 Days--

Until one of my least favorite holidays. I'm excited because I get to see everyone open the presents that we got them. BUT I think the spirit of Christmas is lost on all of the hype about presents, decorations, etc. Christmas isn't about presents! It's about taking 3 hours with my grandfather to put our artifical tree together, or dancing with him to old school Christmas music (the only kind of Christmas music I will listen to) while in my PJs and he's in his long-johns. Or setting something in the kitchen on fire every year. Or everyone getting drunk and falling asleep all over the house, while the food is supose to be cooking. Christmas is about some gift you get, wrapped in pretty paper, and stuffed under a tree. It's about everything else. It's unfortunate that most of humanity has forgotten that. I have such a dismal outlook for humanity in general--but I digress!

10 Days--

Untils Kitty's "Going to Deutschland/Going away/New Years' Eve/Perfect-Reason-to-get-Trashed" party. I mean, are you surprised? A round of vodka shots for everyone! With Cosmo chasers! Oh, the alcoholism...

20 Days--
Until my return to Charleston, which is what I'm looking forward to the most in this countdown (Kitty's Party is a very close second). My return to Charleston means a number of things. For starters, I get to see some of my closest friends again, get to play with a super cute puppy, get regular sex... I mean, get to see Montana. What? Well, if you were celibate for a month after regularly getting some, I'm sure you would think sex first too. Plus, we probably won't have sex in the first place anyway. We enjoy each others company way too much. So, we'll probably end up going to a movie or bowling or playing with the pup or just sitting around talking, or all of them (with Bonnie and The Novio). Sex always seems to be on the backburner for the two of us (a fantastic and tragic thing). What? So I'm more of a guy than you would expect. Get over it.

On a side note, I have talked to The Darkness (you've heard of the move The Ghost and The Darkness? Well, he is a very good friend, but no less scary) a good amount this past week. Haven't heard from Columbia, been sending facebook messages to Bonnie, Speedy is in NYC and has a bad case of "sandy vagina", and (of course) been talking to Montana. Though I did temporarily cut communications because I didn't have anything to talk about. The next day, he texts me, but our conversation gets scrammbled because his phone is retarded and I'm... irritable. I haven't been running, and I think that's my problem. Run, Atom! Yes, I'll get right on that, dear. You just hold your breath, alright? That a girl.

No, but seriously. I am going to start running, this whole "insominiac who's a couch potato" thing is not working. I need to release some stress and I need to get in better shape. I'm in competition with Speedy and Montana on PTing. No, I am not crazy. Yes, I'm serious. You can stop laughing. No, really, stop laughing. Thanks. Well a girl's got to have goals, right? So what if Montana runs a 11:10 2 mile (my best was *cough* 14:40), so what if Speedy can do 90 push-ups in 2 minutes (icandofortytwo), and I don't care if both of them can do 100 sit-ups in 2 minutes. I'm going to either join them or beat them. As you can tell, this lends to fantastic eye candy for all involved. You see why my mind goes straight to the gutter when Montana is involved? I mean, have you seen him without his shirt on? Wow. Well, I suppose you haven't. And that's a tragedy. Quickly rectified, of course, but a tragedy nonetheless. Plus he's hilarious! And very intelligent. Grant it, we don't have the intellectual conversations that RC and I have, but that's a different story, for another blog perhaps, or another time.

What was the point of my side note? Oh yeah! Okay, so I have this spectacular idea for my granddaddy. For Father's Day, I'm going to make him a scrapbook. I'm starting on it a bit late (I've only just got started on it, yesterday), so I've got to make a LOT of progress this break. This is my project. I have 182 days to write/draw out the plans for the pages; organize the photos from my film camera; organize and print the ones from my digital camera; buy all the stickers, pens, markers, paper, glue I may need; put it together; wrap it... all this while I'm in school full time this up coming spring semester and in the summer. I had this idea almost a year ago. So I've got to get started, and I have to make sure that my grandmother doesn't find out, nor my uncle, because my uncle will try to either take over or out-do me (which will lead to a horrendous fight, if this occurs) and I want my grandmother to be just a surprised. I need creative juices. I was thinking of including poems (original works), but only if they come to me. I don't like to force writing, because then it seems artificial. Speaking of writing, I'm going to see if I can try and finish my book. And I'm going to start drawing again. Montana asked (on the night of my insomnia) why i didn't paint or draw any more. I said I don't know. And I don't. Maybe it's because I found a different art, or maybe it's because I'm not that person who needed an outlet in order to deal with the world anymore. So I'm going to start up again, and see what happens. Yes, a positive outlook is what's needed this break. I have so much to do, and so little time. But at least I have a purpose now.

My not-so-sweet life

2008-12-19T20:08:00.002-05:00

So, in a nut shell, my life sucks. It was just sent ot me in an email that my academic adviser thinks that I may need need to change majors or look at the five year plan. Are. You. SERIOUS. Well, I have been actually thinking about switching majors. I just picked up a minor in French, so I may just make it a major and do Criminal Justice as well. Maybe a chemistry minor? But my problem is, I love chemistry so much. And I studied so fucking hard for organic! That's why I went out, but after that halloween party, it all kind of died down. I have severly cut my alcoholic in take, which is good I suppose. But still!! I don't know. Maybe I was never cut out for it. One of my friends switched her major from biochem to biology, because biochem was killing her. Another, VG, changed it from biology/pre-med to english and education. She did that last year. I suppose I could change mine as well. I love chemistry, but maybe it's not for me. I like organic, I thought it was cool. I think I'm going to go to Mexico and France this summer, finish off my langauge credits, and see if I want to major in French and Spanish with maybe Criminal Justice as a major, you know?

My life sucks. I should have done what I wanted to do, and be a ballerina. An artist. I wanted to be an artist.

Insomnia

2008-12-14T01:57:00.001-05:00

And so it begins again...

Normally, I only have this problem of not being able to go to sleep at home, but on an increasing basis I--

This post was cut short because Montana was spending the night and said he was going to leave because he was "bothering me". Clearly a lie. He just didn't want to sleep without me. Clearly. He also tempted me to talk about what I was going to blog about, since this is my form of therapy in coping with... well, life, I suppose. This led to an understanding, of sorts, between the two of us.

Ca-kissing

2008-12-04T12:58:00.003-05:00

This is a new term, coined by my fantastic roommate, Smiling Arizona. Since Montana and I aren't dating (she said we were ca-dating, and I quickly corrected her), she thought of the term ca-kissing. I think it's hilarious, and will use it.

So saturday night part of the crew (Speedy, Bonnie (DS), and I) are going to go salsa dancing with other assorted amigos. YES, it's finals. YES, we need to study. But honestly, I'm going to study almost all day on friday, saturday, and sunday. Plus today i'm studying/tutoring for French allll day, so I figured that we need a break from the pressures of school. Thus, salsa dancing! The Novio and Montana aren't going because neither one of them likes to dance and they also didn't have that great of a time last time, soooo Bonnie and I aren't taking our "other halves" as it were. She suggested that Montana drops us off at the club, and then goes back and chills with The Novio. A kind of "oh I just dropped off the girls" action, and then he picks us back up, so that we can get drunk hahaha. But I'll ask him if he likes the idea. The Novio will definitely like the idea, because then he'll know that we're safe and not being mugged or something on the way to the club.

My goal for this break is to run monday thru friday, and to try and lift weights on saturday and sunday, and possibly swim as well. And I'm going to study one subject a day over break, like rotate them. My day will start at like 0600, but it'll end around 1400 and then I'll sleep and do whatever. But I definitely want to try and get a leg up on my studies and I feel gross cause I haven't PTed in sooo long. As I told him before, my goal is to out PT Speedy. He doesn't believe me, but I will either be able to keep up with him, or I'll smoke him. I'm going to be PT-ing a LOT. That includes not being lazy when I go to France. I'll probably just run while I'm there, since I don't want to go to the gym and it'll help me figure out my general area. back to studying!

Sweet Sixteen

2008-12-03T15:59:00.006-05:00

two of my really close friends, Kitty and VG, sent this idea to me via facebook, and it got me thinking. so here are my responses:

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 16 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you and/or I thought you might actually respond to the survey.

1. No matter how much I bitch and complain and say otherwise, I want nothing more than to fall in love, marry said guy, and have massive amounts of babies. I am a complete and utter, hopeless romantic. But I am absolutely terrified of falling in love again, so I have come to terms with being alone, save for my friends (who will always be around, barring unforeseen events) and my family.

2. I think religion is a weak minded person's way of dealing with the real world and an idiotic person's way of rationalizing doing what they believe to be "right" or "wrong". At least that's what I believe when it comes to extremism and contemporary religion. I don't see the point in huge churches, services, sermons, donating money to churches so they can have a solid gold crucifix, etc. I believe the Jews had it right in saying that Christianity was a "mystery religion" because too much of it is based off of arcane thinking and ceremonies. Worship. It shouldn't have to be extravagant and lavish, you are merely saying "Hi God/Allah/Buddha/Vishnu/Other Deities. I am just thinking about you, and want you to know I'm trying to live up to expectations for humanity.

3. I don't know what I want to do with my life. No seriously. I'm almost done with college, and I wish that I had majored in history or criminal justice or French or Spanish, or any combination of all of them. I don't want to be a chemistry major anymore, but I still love it. Does that make sense? I want to go to grad school for chemistry, but I also want to go for French and Spanish (if I were a major); but then again I don't know if I'm that dedicated. I want to open a bakery, but do I really want to go to school for even longer later in life? Do I really want to go to culinary school?

4. I am not the sexual deviant that everyone seems to think I am, nor am I a slut, and my prudish days are looong gone. I've only had sex with two people in my entire life, my ex, WT, and the guy I'm currently with. I do have a "to-do" list of sorts, but whether or not it actually gets accomplished remains to be seen.

5. I was a wait until marriage girl. Yes, it doesn't seem true does it? But it is. I wanted to wait until I got married to have sex, but... well it didn't really happen, did it?

6. My goal in life is to own a bunch of land, have horses, chicken, wild turkey, goats, dogs, birds (like parrots), and cats. And a lot of them. I want a huge flower garden, and an orchard, a vegetable garden and an herb garden, so that i don't really have to go to the grocery store. So all in all, I want to be a farmer. I want the stuff I use in my bakery to come from my garden and my animals that can roam around and do whatever they want.

7. I want to live in a house that's run on green energy and want to own a business that's the same.

8. I'm terrified that this beautiful world as we know it, will be lost to future generations, and they'll never know the beauty that occurs in this world, because past societies were too selfish to care to preserve and respect it.

9. I HATE people who fucking don't vote. YOUR ANCESTORS FOUGHT TO VOTE!! So VOTE!! People who don't care about politics should be oppressed so that they may understand what a beautiful thing it is, to vote and not be persecuted for it, not have to worry about dying or your family being murder because of who you chose to elect. There is a reason that everyone should vote--making sound, informed decisions, of course--so that there is no reason for you to bitch when things don't turn out the way they should because you didn't even BOTHER to vote.

10. I am the world's biggest tree hugger and I'm in the Army and I go to a military college in the SOUTH. I'm a lone democrat in a vast republican society, at school. One of 6 black females in my entire class. And I love every second of it. Contradictions make life interesting.

11. In a perfect world, I could have Speedy (who was formally known as MS) and Montana (formerly MT). I could have both of them. But this isn't a perfect world. But, oh the irony. On one level, they are exactly the same person. But on a different level, they are completely different. One cares about politics, the other doesn't; one loves to dance, the other doesn't. They both nerds (like me), enjoy the same things, same major, want to (basically) do the same thing. But Montana.... well he's the one I chose. And I'm glad I did. I really like him, and we'll see how this pans out. But with either one of them, it wouldn't just be about casual dating, or "friends with benefits" (what GARBAGE...), or just about sex. Dating either one of them will lead to more, I've figured that out. So I have to be sound in my decision, because one broken heart can be disastrous, since it's not just what it seems.

12. I regret losing my virginity so easily. But we were in love (so I thought) and going to be together for awhile (so I thought.... so he said...). I don't regret that I lost it, because I think that has helped me grow as a person, that entire experience, but I do regret that if I get married I won't have anything that's just for mon mari, you know?

13. I want to learn how to speak (and read and write) 13 different languages. They are: Spanish, French, German, Italian, Greek, Portuguese, Dutch, Arabic, Japanese, Korean, Russian, Mandarin, and Swahili (or a similar language). I want to live in 5 out of the 7 continents of the world (Europe, South America, North America (some where other than the US, like Mexico or Central America or the Caribbean) Africa, and Asia).

14. Unlike some women I talk to, I love every part of the male body. There are some women who think that their genitalia is ugly or disgusting, etc. No. I think that the male body, in its own way, is every inch as beautiful as the female body. But it does not do justice to compare either genders, since they are so radically different. I, of course, don't like chest, back, and facial hair. The facial hair thing is thanks to me going to a military college and being in the Army, seeing too many clean shaven guys makes those people with facial hair..... gross, for lack of a better term.

15. I'm in the habit of color coding and labeling everything, mainly because it helps me learn, but also because I think it's just easier to find things and to under stand the differences. I am a super-planner. Before I even got accepted into my college I mapped out my 4-year ciriculmn. Yeah. And my drawers in my desk at school are a particular way and it bothers me when someone touches them or messes with them. Or anything in my room, really. And I can tell. Trust me.

16. I love to read. If I could get hired just to read all day long, I would do it and never stop until I was blind, and then I would buy books on tape. I want a huge library, like Belle from Beauty and the Beast, in my house. I would also love to own a bookstore, with a cafe next to it. A cafe that gets pastries from my bakery. But I know that I can never compete with the big name book sellers, so it is merely a very much wanted, but unrealistic dream.

My life is like a terribly acted soap opera.

2008-11-04T19:29:00.003-05:00

So Montana and I are dating but without the title, both of us have entirely too much relationship baggage, to "date" in so many words. Yeah. So we got to this halloween party that Bonnie's novio is throwing at his house. Well, Montana and I don't go as a "couple" because there are a shit ton of cadets there and he doesn't want to get shit for seeing a cadet. So I go in with Bonnie, and he comes in with the other boys. Well, everyone gets pretty drunk, like most of us don't remember the whole night, me included. Bonnie is getting hit on hard core by this T-guy, and The Novio is getting PISSED. And Montana ends up making out/kissing the bumblebee (there was a girl dressed up as a bumblebee) and I get pissed. So we're fighting in The Novio's bedroom, he and Bonnie are there fighting too. It's a crazy situation. Well, Speedy ends up finding out all of this because Columbia is freaking out because he peed in The Novio's car. So Speedy is fucking PISSED, like crazy angry. I had to make him promise not to punch Montana in the face or yell at him, since they're studing right now. Ugh. Omg. So I'm not really sure what happened last night, but Montana and I aren't even really talking anymore. I don't know what's going on. Just my luck though, right? I make a choice to go after guy #1 or guy#2, and I end up getting fucked, and not in the good way. Ugh. Whatever, I'm going back to being an opportunist. Fuck this dating thing. Stupid fucking cadets.

Mi vita

2008-10-19T20:08:00.004-04:00

Okay, so I've officially decided that I'm being paid back every bad thing I've ever done or thought in full. No, seriously. First the meningitis scare, which ended up with spinal headaches for 3 weeks. Then both of mis padres not coming down. To top it all off? This weekend. Okay, let me bring you up to speed, kid...

Friday night, Columbia comes to my room so we can go on an alcohol run, for tomorrow night. Because we're going salsa dancing and planning on getting trashed. So we make a few calls, turns out the liquor stores close at 1900. It was 1905 when we were planning everything.

No, you know what, scratch that. here's the quick version:
Friday: I drank so much (on an empty stomach) that I threw up... a lot. And was still drunk the next day at 1700. Mum says it was probably alcohol poisoning. I er made out with Columbia, but that's not a big deal, because it's COLUMBIA for God's sake. It's not weird at all between the two of us. DS had to get one of our sgts and one of my classmates to bring us (as in all 3 of us) back to the battalion because we were all too drunk to walk the 4 blocks (one was a block on campus to get back to our battalion) back to the battalion.
Saturday: still drunk at 1700 in the afternoon. Go shopping with MS, so he can get clothes for the club, at the mall. DS bought 3 dresses and 2 pairs of shoes, all for $80. WOW. Soooo jealous. Anyway, we get whatever stuff for MS, then come back to the BT so everyone can get their stuff for the club. So we (DS, Columbia, and I) all pile into Columbia's car and go up the street to Fall Out Boy's house (no, not the actual band). Well, they pregame it, I'm not drinking because I'm the DD and I had waaay to much to drink on friday. No more alcohol. Well, I couldn't resist so I took a tiny shot of vodka. We saw some knobs on our way to the car. So we get to the club. OMG! It was SO much fun!! I dance with Flemish, MS, MT, Columbia, and one of Flemish's friends. There were tons of cadets there. I invited everyone I could think of (eventhough I left out more than I invited, which is considerable). I umm, made out with MT. Well, yeah, I made out with him while we were dacning. Not like sucking face, tongue action. Just like a slow kiss on the lips while we were dancing, then like 10 minutes or something would go by and another. Then I would dance with someone else, and then I would go back to him. I er... well isn't it obvious? I have a thing for MT, and well, I've given up on thinking that MS will ever get his head out of his ass. So yeah, we leave (I drive, Columbia took the keys and tried to drive, but he was too drunk and I took them back; MS got hit on by the 40 year old fat woman and I had to rescue him.... wow. Everyone kept takin shots while we were at the club, except me of course) and head back to FOB's place. Er, MT and I continue to semi-makeout/kiss on the couch and watch a movie (all the while, Columbia, DS, and FOB are like egging us on. Thanks guys. Jerks.). Well, they drank before the club, at the club, and after the club. So MT is pretty drunk, so I'm like okay. So I put his arm around my shoulder and we walk to the next room. And I deposit him on the bed, and I was going to leave but he was like "where are you going?" so I just told him I was going to close the door. So we make out some more. And er... well. I don't know. He passes out after while, I laugh kiss him on the cheek and go to sleep.
Sunday: MS leaves early and has a "vagina moment" (his words, not mine). So before we all decide to go eat MT and I had sex. I know! I know! But one minute we're just laying next to each other, and the next thing I know I'm naked and we're having sex. And I don't object, at all. Oh, and we think that MS has a thing for me, no matter how much he denies it.

Wow.

2008-10-16T23:03:00.004-04:00

So my life is like a massive cluster fuck, right about now. I'm being pursued by 2 guys, and trying to not pursue/fall for a completely different guy. Wow. And to add on to my "love" life being absolutely nuts, I've got midterms (yikes!). Along with still getting headaches, though no where near as bad and insanely infrequent, but still debilitating... So, where was I? Cluster fuck, right. So craziness in the ca-dating department, midterms, headaches, organic test (kill me...), physics homework, drill, and trying to make sure my friends don't get neglected. Did I mention all the clubs I'm in? Or that I'm going to take a class on this Israeli fighting style, as well as judo? Oh, and here's the kicker, my whole family's super pissed off at me. Grant it, I do feel like an asshole for not wishing my Papa a happy 82nd, nor wishing my Uncle D. a happy birthday as well. But honestly, I didn't know about it. I can hardly remember the dates for my aunt, Marks and Sparks, my sister, and my mum. The other day in French, I was asked when my birthday was. Know what I said? March 3rd. Yeah. I know. No excuse, right? I know. Jesus. I don't know. I hope my mum doesn't send any of that stuff. I'll just get it when I get paid. Or did I mention I got a job? No? Yeah, I got a job too. So let's do the math, one more time:

Me + midterms + ca-dating craziness + headaches (which I don't admit to anyone, except my roommate, since she has to deal with a blacked-out room for 3 hours or so) + organic tests from the 9th layer of Hell + Physics (need I say more?) + drill + clubs + job + PT/swim lessons/self-defense lessons + one very big, very pissed off familia = CLUSTER FUCK.

You get what I'm getting at now? And, I've noticed that I just start daydreaming about basic now. How sick is that? I was telling Freak Show today, that I just want to say fuck school, and just go active, into the army. Class, clubs, shining, all this bullshit, is just that; BULLSHIT. I don't know. I miss basic more than I probably should. I want to go back to caring an M16 everywhere, to PT every and all day, to the smell of gun powder and sweat. Fuck school. You know, I'm the only chemistry major out of my ENTIRE class. Yeah, out of the class of 2011, I am the only chemistry major. The only one. So I've been thinking about switching my major, since there won't be any study groups, no one else in any of my classes, except for me. I just want to go into the army, and get deployed, so I don't feel like I'm wasting my fucking life. I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything anymore. I just sit here, go to school, live with about 100 people, 95 of whom want me to get hit by a speeding 18-wheeler during my run. I'm going to be alone almost all the time next year. I've fallen for the one person I shouldn't have. I am completely unhappy in college and just want to go be a soldier. And the list goes on... I'm going to stop bitching and moaning. I suppose it's just been an emo month. Especially after open barracks, with everyone's parents' around, and no one there to see me...

Not going to lie, nor repeat this ever again, but it really hurt my feelings about no one coming for Parents' Weekend. Like, I can understand if you don't have the money or whatever, you know? But that doesn't make me any less upset. And I figured something like this was going to happen anyway; suddenly knob year's over and it's not as important as it should have been to come see me. Well what started it off was that Dad didn't come down when he said he was going to. And I was really excited too. Like really excited. And he canceled at the last minute (SHOCK). I can't explain the rage I felt that he can still make me excited to see him, and make it feel just as shitty when he does he usual and not show up. But I made tentative other plans with my friends, in case he didn't show up. So we went to the beach, and had a great weekend. And I forgot to be unhappy. Well, Parents' Weekend comes. All of my friends are gone. Literally. All of them. I'm stuck with weekend duty, so I can't even really leave the battalion. Awesome. Same thing happens on saturday. Did I mention it POURED all weekend? So I got pulled for not going to the football game and seeing everyone's parents which would make me even angrier. Sunday was much better, because one of DS's mum's friends came down from Columbia to see her and she let me tag along. Her name's D-Boss, and she's ex-Army/ex-BAMF status. For real, chic is fucking AWESOME. So she took us to breakfast at iHop and the to the mall, and we just talked and chilled. It was nice. It made me miss my mum. And that just made me angry. I don't know. I mean, I realize I did not react to the situation well, at all. But it was either, not talk until I cooled off or pick fights every time I got on the phone/be a complete bitch. I though not talking would have been preferred. Now I'm just angry all over again. It pisses me off to know that the only reason my familia has even seen my fucking campus is because we rent a beach house for a week every summer, and it's just an hour north. Mum, says grandmother and granddaddy will probably come down my senior year. Which might be true. But maybe I've realized that my grandparents are immortal and that it could be possible that they never get to see me on campus or see me graduate. Maybe that's why I want them to visit so bad. And maybe it's hard for me to talk about it out loud, because I'm just fucking typing it and I'm crying. So maybe I don't handle shit well. Sorry. My bad. Fuck. I don't know. I'll probably never be able to explain it. And no one will understand. So I'll just keep my silence. There's a house that's at Myrtle Beach that's only $425 to rent during thanksgiving and it sleeps like 4-6 people I think. Some people aren't going home. Maybe I'll just stay here, since everyone will probably be too pissed off if I come home anyway. Plus I don't want to listen to a bunch of fucking screaming and yelling. I hear that shit all the time, I would like some fucking peace and quiet maybe; and not get racked out either. Maybe I'll just stay down here, that way there's a bed free at home and no added stress from me "being a complete asshole". I think I quoted her correctly. I just want to be a soldier.

Reggaeton and Dance Parties

2008-10-07T22:44:00.004-04:00

I love dancing. Any form of it, and I love it. Ballroom dancing, hip-hop, club, merenga (sp), salsa, bachata, ANYTHING. I love it. And guess who else does? DS and Columbia, of course. So we're all going dancing, even though DS's knee sure as hell isn't up for it. A bunch of cadets go AWOL on thursday nights to go dancing. There are a ton of people who love to salsa. I just learned how to merenga (sp) thanks to Columbia. It's soo easy. I'm going to learn how to salsa. So my neighbors who always like to bang on the walls during ESP and after all-ins/lights out are pissed off because we wouldn't turn our music down. And I'm not going to turn it down! Go fuck yourself! Payback's a bitch isn't it? Just wait until I turn my fucking subwoofers and volume all the way up asshole! I'm soo glad I bought these speakers, even though I know I shouldn't have, cause I definitely have like .55 cent in my account. I don't care. Revenge tastes better than any money or food could. Especially after this asshole blacked out the boards because he wants to blow our XO. Go fuck yourself, man. You just took a giant shit on all the hours spent on those boards. But that's okay, cause you're going to do it with out any of our help. That's right. You did it, so you can fix it since the guy that you worship didn't like it, when all the other seniors don't give a shit. A guy who's not even going into the army because he's too much of a bitch to suck it up and take it, oh but he'll go to airbourne, right? Prick.

This post actually wasn't intended to be a bitch session. I uh am having slight problems with my crush, like that fact that I'm trying to ignore it. And things are getting....er.... stuffy. Like last night, all up in my personal space. And you have a girlfriend! Don't look at me like you want to kiss me, nor get close enough for our breath to mingle. My brain tends to short circuit during times like that. Which made doing my homework impossible. Grant it, well, I'm not going to say that. My apologies, dancing makes my mind go straight to the gutter. No matter what kind of dancing. Well, unless it's with certain people. Like dancing with my grandfather makes me wish time would stop, so he'd always be with me, you know? So he'd always be around to sing to me on the phone when I call him on the weekends or when I feel bad. Didn't know? Yeah, he sings to me a lot. Or he'll dance for me. I've got proof of that. He also tries to entice grandmother to dance with him. I miss my granddaddy. A lot. Sometimes more than my mum, and I miss my mum a lot. But days like today, when we talk about salsa dancing and love er i mean like LIKE LIKE. FUCK! Freudian slip. This is my therapy, so I won't delete it, but I don't mean it. I'm not in the mood to fall for someone who doesn't want me. I've done that once, and it didn't feel very nice to have someone fuckin step (and i mean step dancing, no step the verb, i'm talking about the noun here) all over my poor heart. argh! I'm not going to think about that asshole either. Anyway, back to the most important guy in my life; mi abuelo. I don't know... I just. Well I'm not quite sure how to put it into words. But I've been having nightmares and dreams lately. Not those crazy nightmares or dreams I get after eating half a container of oreos, a whole pizza, and drinking rum and coke; or those nightmares I get after watch scary movies. No, they seem.... No se. I'm not sure. Oh well, maybe it's just me being stressed and crazy. Or needing to get laid. Fuck! Did I really just say that. Shit, freudian slip. And I'm swearing more than normal. After basic, I toned it down a notch. Well, a few notches. I only swear when it's due. And around MS...

Honestly, I just want to quit school and be a full time soldier. I'm so sick of school. I should be GRADUATING and starting a life next year. Some days, I think I should have gone to UNCG. But then again, I would never have met these people. These people, that I won't lose. Like Ahoua, or Brandon, or Gato. I don't know. I'm not sure about so many things anymore. I think I might be the only chemistry major in 2011, which means I'll be the only one in P.chem or inorganic or biochem. Is it even worth it? I don't want to be the only one, but what would I switch my major to? There's nothing I love more. Except maybe culinary/baking, but that's not really offered here is it? I don't know anything anymore, except I want to dance so I can feel free again. Bailando! And guess who salsa's? Oh, yes he does.... that guy will be my downfall.... intelligent, funny, wants to salsa.... I wish he was one of the 8 million guys trying to court me, instead of these fucking idiots who don't know dick about me. ugh.

Tree climbing, sun burn and mermaid burials

2008-10-04T19:04:00.011-04:00

So right now I'm sunburnt, sore (my ass), sleepy, full of junk food, and incredible happy and relaxed. Why? Well this weekend all of us (DS, MS, Mountain Top, Columbia, and I) all acted like real college students for once. Grant it, being sunburnt again (not as bad as the first time, but my tummy and chest don't really feel nice right now) isn't so fun but my weekend has been AMAZING. But maybe I should start at the being, eh?

So for starters, neither of my parents are visiting me. My dad's not that surprising, but mi madre is. So my da was suppose to come down this weekend, he was going to come down last weekend but postponed it until this weekend. Yeah, he was suppose to and didn't at the last minute. Shocker. But I was already making contingency plans when I found out he was coming down, so it didn't ruin my weekend at all, it just pissed me off... a lot. So I was going to go to the beach with my dad, but I told DS that she should come. So we told Columbia (who is a total beach bum) and Mountain top that they should come with. So disaster was adverted. But mi madre was suppose to come down for Parents' Weekend, but she's not. Grant it, it's because a series of unfortunate events happened (the Mini needs tires, I don't have extra money from school, she can't afford to spend money on a hotel AND a rental car AND gas AND everything else for coming here). But it just pisses me off because I had a feeling that this would happen; it's not knob year anymore and thus no one feels the importance of coming, you know? I mean Banana's super busy so she can't come to Parents' Weekend or Homecoming. So I'm going to be that kid on both weekends who doesn't have anybody here. Awesome. So that's why I'm so pissed off. So I'm not exactly talking to my mum until I'm not mad anymore. Which may not be until after Parents' Weekend. Argh. Series of unfortunate events.

So about my amazing weekend. So DS and I have been planning on hanging out with Mountain Top for awhile, but it hasn't really happened. So friday Mountain Top, DS, and I went to the Mellow Mushroom (after waiting for Mt to get done with the boards, which took like 2 and a half hours) and walked downtown for a little while and got MS some double stuffed oreos. I got him some reeces and snickers, since he had such a bad week. I also gave him half of my pizza. It made him feel better, luckily. We had a spirit run on friday, the run was so slow that I got unmotivated and started walking. Want me to keep running? Then do a fast run, make me work and I'll work, you know? But I would actually start running and grabbing knobs to motivate them, when they would fall out. I still hate Formato though, and wish he would get hit by a car if it wasn't bad karma. But when we were walking back to Mt's car, we walked across CfC's campus and there was this fantastic tree that was perfect for climbing, so I was like "Let's climb a tree!" And Mt looked at me and goes "Okay." He was smiling hahaha. So DS took pictures of us while we were climbing the tree. It was awesome. DS thought it was hilarious that Mt is just like me in wanting to climb trees and stuff, you know? I love it! Then we watched movies in DS's room (because SA was sleeping in my room, so we couldn't turn on my speakers and watch our movie) from like 1230/1245 until like 4 or 5 in the morning. Columbia and I were on the top bunk and Mt and DS were on her bed and the door was closed and the lights were off (a big no-no) and we watched Hannibal Rising then Pirates of the Carribean: At the World's End (everyone fell asleep like half an hour into this movie, probably because we started watching it at like 0300). So all of us spent the night in DS and palooza's room, there was this Oscar guy who came in at like 0600 and was screaming about the projector. Like, he barged in and was like "Where's the projector?!" Holy shit. It's a female's room, you ask all clear, first of all; and why did you come into their room at SIX IN THE FUCKING MORNING looking for it? Who's awake at 6 on a saturday morning? No one. Well this guy, when he barges in he realizes there are 2 people in the bottom bunk and 2 in the top, so the room is completely blacked out (luckily), so he tries to get a good look at who's in the bottom bunk and who's in the top bunk. But DS blocked us. And we (all four of us) didn't wake up until like 10 in the morning, once we went back to sleep (after Mt and DS stopped freaking out about whether or not the guy was going to tell a TAC). We were going to the beach at 1100.

Now this brings me to saturday. So all of us except Mt got sunburnt, have I mentioned that already? Yes? It was worth mentioning again, especially since there was a guy from Columbia, a half Mexican girl, and an African American chic. Oh, and two white guys, but you probably already knew they were going to burn. So after all of us actually woke up and got ready (we invited MS, and it took him forEVER to get ready because the idiot put his leave on instead of his PTs/beach ware) we headed to Folley Beach. Once we finally got there, it was so much fun! There weren't an insane amount of people at the beach, so we had this little area that was just for us; the sun was out; it was warm (not too hot) and there was just enough breeze that you didn't get hot but not too much that it made you cold. It was a perfect day to go to the beach. The boys went for a swim first and DS and I got comfortable on our towels and laid down for sunbathing. She went to sleep about 5 minutes after the boys got back from their swim. Mt was at the beach just long enough to go for a swim and for the sun to dry him, before he left to go chill with his parents (who came down early for Parents' Weekend); we were sad to see him go. Columbia brought PB&J, and he and MS had PB&J, afterward MS asked if I wanted to take a walk with him on the beach. As if I'd say no, hahaha. Ah, so much eye candy. I must say that that was a very enjoyable walk. He probably left the seashell I found for him (I was actually going to keep it, but I thought it would be funny to give it to him) at the beach; I still have the one he gave me. What? It's pretty! Anyway, we walked for awhile, and a little before we left he hijaked my iPod and went for a walk toward the pier. The water was soo cold; you can tell it's not the hot days of summer anymore. We buried Columbia in sand while he was sleeping, hahaha. He woke up half way through, and just laid there so why could finish. The tail didn't look so great, but those killer spikes we put on him were friggin awesome. The boys went for one last swim (mainly to get the sand off of them and we saw that MS was CRAZY sun burnt. So we pack up and leave to head back to school, since it was time to go (MS said he "didn't want to be that kid" when I asked him why he didn't tell us he was sun burnt. Idiot.) and we were hungry. Did I mention that all four of us passed out after MS and I got back from our walk? MS was in Columbia's chair, DS was on her towel, and Columbia and I shared my towel. Completely passed out, all of us. It was a spectacular nap, but it also led to massive sun burn all around. So we decide to go and eat at Andolini's (a fantastic pizza place on the way back from Folley Beach). We eat and I took pictures of everyone's crazy faces (and DS stuffing her face hahaha), and head back to the battalion. Soo we get on campus and MS is still in civvies (we give the guad at sophomore gate a "what's up" head nod, since he's our classmate and we were coming back in PTs/civvies) and I'm half in PTs and half in civvies. The boys drop us off, cause DS can't hobble all the way from the parking lot. So all of us got back and took showers since we were covered in sweat, sand, and dried salt water. DS and I discovered in the shower that BOTH of us got sunburnt, she got sunburnt on her back (where you can see the string of her bikini top, where it was resting when she got burned hahaha) and front, and I got sunburned on my chest and stomach. It wasn't as bad as before, no where near as bad, but it was still sunburn and I was miserable for the night. The next morning it still hurt and my skin was on fire/hot but it wasn't as bad as it was the day I got it. But poor MS had to take ibprofen and put aloe all over him, and he was still pretty miserable. DS went to go and hang out with her beau (he's not really su novio, though), while MS, Columbia, and I watched movies in her room. I went to the mess hall to get a thing of skim and one chocolate milk for the boys, so they could eat oreos with milk. Hahahaha, hilarious. Well, MS ate his entire CONTAINER of oreos, by him self, and finished the half gallon on skim milk. Columbia drank the entire thing of chocolate milk. We watched The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning. Yuck. MS was sitting on the floor in front of the bed, and Columbia and I were on the bottom bunk (DS's bunk; we fought over who got to lay on it because it's so comfy) during the first movie. Columbia put his pillow on my back, like he did on friday night so he could watch the movie because the way I was laying and the way he was laying, he couldn't exactly see. Well The Texas Chainsaw Massacre scared me, so I would freak out during some parts. MS would make fun of me and when I would freak out, I would accidentally elbow poor Columbia and would accidentally knee MS in the head (his head was resting right by my knee). I felt bad. So during the second movie, we gave MS the bottom bunk and moved to the top bunk (palooza's bed, but she took a weekend), and watched the movie. Which was CRAZY gory, by the way. YUCK. My sunburn started to hurt too bad, so I stopped watching it. Midget came and spooned with MS on the bottom bunk and watched the movie with us. They didn't really spoon though, but not for lack of trying on Midget's part. Columbia got bitched out by his classmates for not working on the boards, eventhough most of Tango was gone. But whatever, you know?

Sunday, I turned off my alarm and went back to bed and woke up at like 1300-ish (I woke up because MS came into my room, luckily I put a shirt on when I turned my alarm off), so no pancakes. I just went to Brueggers, got bitten by a mosquito and yelled at to "get off my cell phone" on the way back. Whatever. So all around, my weekend was absolutely spectacular. And I wish it hadn't ended.

The Indiviual (Madness?) in Society

2008-09-28T19:22:00.002-04:00

I'm going crazy. Or perhaps I'm already there and in my own personal level of Hell. Anyone read Dante? No? Pity. Perhaps there's some karamaic justice in what's going on. Ugh. That's right, I invented a word; "karamaic". I feel like my intelligence is slowly seeping away in this place. Isn't that sad? I'm in college and slowly getting dumber and less-worldly (if I was even such a thing to begin with). Well one thing's for sure, this whole "spinal tap gone crazy" is fucking driving me NUTS. I have to change the way I SHAVE MY LEGS!! Does anyone else see the injustice with this? Or the fact that I feel like I'm turning into a fat sophomore, which I WILL jump off fourth (perhaps fifth?) if that happens. Of course I would fall for the one guy that makes me want to date him and actually not be a party crazy single person. Of course it would be the one guy I can't have. Of course. Ugh.

So I think DS and I are going to try to go to Spain next semester. I have a feeling it won't really work out because, well, neither of us likes to do homework and both of us need to get either all A's or a combination of A's and B's. Highly unlikely. MS is umm not very happy (to say the least) about the prospect of me being in Spain and not with him for an entire semester ("You're going to leave me hanging again?! You've already done it twice!" Not entirely sure of the meaning of this, but I just roll my eyes and call him an idiot). I told him to visit me for spring break; all he would have to pay was the airfare and food. Dom and I would have found all the cheap food places by then, so he wouldn't have to spend much. He's thinking about it. Which is crazy and makes me hope... at which point I try and bludge that little spark of hope to death. You aren't wanted. Either way, if I go and he comes I'll tell him or if I stay (and go to France in the summer) I'll tell him at the end of the year. No regrets. That's what I want in this life. I don't want to always have "what-ifs". I'm not so blinded to not know that he will never break up with his girlfriend or that he has no romantic feelings towards me. I'm a realist, not a romantic. But if I don't tell him, I will always wonder. So, luckily everything that I do is out of friendship and hopefully he'll realize that. I keep telling him to dump his girlfriend and find a cute CfC girl or a Charleston Southern girl. But to no evail. If nothing has changed (I'm talking about my feelings now) I will tell him. Who am I kidding, I'm going to tell the idiot regardless and he can just shut the fuck up and listen. For all the good it will do. No regrets. No regrets...

Complications and contemplations

2008-09-10T16:42:00.004-04:00

so i think there is something seriously wrong with my shoulder. i messed it up on my 15K (aprox. 10 miles, i believe) at BCT this summer. all the gear i had on was the equivalent of about 50lbs, maybe more and maybe less. i had on my ACUs, boots, my LBV (load bearing vest with 2 quarts of water), my 2-quart (filled with water), my ACH (bullet proof helmet), and my M16. M16s are about 9 or 10lbs. yeah. my ruck had a pair of boots, a change of ACUs, ALL of the toiletries and underwear i needed for 3 days at the FTX (i think it was 3 days...). so i had like 50lbs of gear on walking for 10miles in the hot ass sun. so while we were rucking, i had my M16's strap over my right shoulder (since i'm right handed when i shoot) so that i could move my wrists once we were done. i learned through our 3K, 5K, 8K, and 10K (there might not have been a 10K, i don't remember) that holding my weapon at the lower ready without assistance meant that my wrists would be fucked up for hours afterwards, and that my hands might go numb. so yeah, i didn't do that on this trip. but my ruck's shoulder straps were suppose to rest on the LBV so that it wouldn't break/damage my shoulder bone. yes well, that didn't exactly happen. it was the correct way for my left shoulder, but my ruck rested right on my shoulder joint/bone on my right shoulder for about 8 miles. yeah, almost the entire time. so when we finally got to the FAAB, i couldn't move my right shoulder at all. Latham had to help me out, and it felt like my arm was about to fall off. well, it started hurting around thursday, last week. i think it was the pressure change because of the hurricane or because i started using it more. but i thought there was something wrong with the muscle, so i got KS (from our neighboring T) to massage it. it didn't work. in fact, it made it waay worse. then i had judo today where we were practicing with taking someone to the ground when they try and grab you. so lots of shoulder use. now my shoulder's killing me. DS tore her ACL, not her meniscus, so she has to have surgery. and i think i might have cracked the bone in my shoulder, or done something to fuck up the joint. any pressure, any quick (or even slight) movements is crazy painful. ugh. i'm getting old. you should have seen MS's face when he heard my knees crack. not to mention Dr. B's when i told her i had flat feet and probably got a stress fracture in my foot at BCT, but never got it treated.

i hate studying. and i'm tired of doing it. i also hate crushes, they're distracting. especially if you see said crush all the time. but on a random note, i nearly killed the knob who took out our trash this morning because he's so loud. "get the fuck out knob!" yeah, i'm grumpy in the morning, sue me. i had to listen to "WE LOVE ROMEO!" "WE LOVE TANGO!" "WE LOVE OSCAR!" "WE LOVE ECHO!" "WE LOVE BRAVO!" all morning friggin monday morning, because they had the knobs running around shouting that shit inside the battalions. i wanted to kill someone. or go deaf. ugh, i hate living on 1st. what i would give to live on 3rd or 2nd.... or 4th....

on a side note, i may not make the military a career. The Culinary Institute of America offers this degree program for baking and pastry arts. i may decide to do that, so i can open up my bakery. i mean there's this 6-month school that i could take that's in CA, but i would like a certification. plus the classes seem really interesting. but it's like a real college; on-campus living, classes, etc. i'll be about 30 or so when i get out of the military and i'm sure if i'm up for that. but we shall see.

La vita è bella e dolce, in questo mondo

2008-09-07T22:33:00.002-04:00

but yeah, today we went to go and get pancakes at IHOP (a tradition since first semester knob year), but i had the idea to change into civvies, you know. and er well it felt like a date, like we were a couple you know? the hostess woman even said "oh ms. w, you look different today!" and eyed poor MS (that was also a reference to my lack of uniform...). yes well, it's probably because i can't not smile in his presence (one, he doesn't like seeing me sad/not smiling; two because he's hilarious; and three because, well, it's MS, you know?). UGH!! he wore a white t-shirt, gym shorts, and flip flops. i lost my concentration.... a lot. plus he commented on my yellow shirt that i always wear with my plaid shorts. "oh! washo! very niiice" in that MS talking to washo voice that he always does. god. JUST. SHOOT. ME. ALREADY!! no, really. just shoot me.

physics, once it was explained by MS, it was pretty easy. but i'm behind on organic, so i have to spend all my time on monday catching up. i think i'm going to go on a run tomorrow morning. i haven't run in a while, and i need to. ugh, maybe i could persuade someone to go? naw, i'll just leave at like 0530. woo! i just roped MS into running with me. know what he said when he saw me set my alarm for 0530? "i'm going to smoke the dog piss out of you if you wake me up that fucking early." fuuuck. what have i goten myself into? well, i'm out of shape, so oh well.

El Cid (The Life and Times of an Upperclass Cadet)

2008-09-06T23:01:00.002-04:00

so my classmates got fat over the summer. like really fat. most of them are fat sophomores (like what is expected to happen to sophomores over the summer). the exception is all the females, MS, and uh Nick. that's about it.

what to say? my summer was insane! home for 2-3 weeks after i left the citadel (21st birthdays and all that jazz), the off to Ft Leonard Wood, MO for 10 weeks (1 week at the 43rd, where we got everything/processed and 9 weeks of BCT). i loved it, i hated it, and i want to go back because it was a LOT of fun. so i might, and just use that money (10 grand bonus plus 2 grand while i'm there) to buy a car.

well, life as a sophomore is pretty boring, i have plenty of time to study though. and plenty of time to spend with MS. which is like slow torture. have i mentioned that? that i have a crush the size of god on this kid? no? WOW do i have a crush. but he's got a girlfriend. but he's not happy with her. he struggles with things to talk about with her; there's never a dull moment with us. we enjoy similar things; they, well, umm they have sex er sort of.... i think.... actually i'm hoping the DON'T. anyway, back to the subject at hand. i go up to Marshmellow Man (MM) and say "how do i make it stop?" "what?" "my crush on MS. make it go away, i don't want to date anyone." "why not?" and i give him a look that that question deserved. "oh. well, don't think about it." yeah RIGHT. like that's going to happen. SA thinks he likes me, and she also says (the ever observant roommate that she is) that she knew i had a crush on him from the beginning. MM says we would make a really cute couple. i told each of them to shut the hell up, while i turned the color of a sunburnt tomato..... like my complextion when i was sunburned. jesus. why is this happening to ME? he also says things that are odd. "well, you look like a girl now" or "i really like talking to you" as opposed to not-so-much from our other classmates. and he's ALWAYS in my room. it seems more so than last semester. plus he lives on 3rd and i live on 1st, and he comes all the way down 2 flights of steps just to say hi. or when he comes back from practice or PT he won't just walk up to his room, he'll walk all the way around the stairs and sit and have a conversation with me for 20 minutes. did i mention that the image of him in pj pants without a shirt on looking very cute and sleepy is BURNED into my retinas? yeah, went to wake him up last sunday for our weekly ritual and the door was locked--odd--but i thought, whatever. so i kick the door so he'll get his lazy ass out of bed. and he opens the door without a shirt on, half asleep, in pj pants. yeah. i only noticed his face once i un-stuck my eyes from his shirtless chest (WOW he has a VERY nice body). i blushed and mumbled "oh sorry" and kind of grunted out a "sorry" and preceded to just stand there, not move to put a shirt on, like he used to do. so i moved out of the doorway, since half-naked men distract me........ a LOT. wow. i just want to shoot myself in the face. why is this happening to me? whhhhhyyyyyyyyyy?? ignoring it hasn't helped, in fact i think it's made it worse. and i don't want to not hang out with him, because we're like, i don't know, 2 halves of a whole.
"sheaf let's go shopping!"
"alright."
"do you want pizza or chinese tonight, washo?"
"mellow mushroom"
"glad we're on the same page."

shoot me now.

on a side note, classes are going really well. physics is still a foreign language that's harder than any other language i've spoken before. french is wonderful, spanish is boring, organic is time-consuming, physics sucks (but should be okay), MLTY 201 is dumb (we *actually* have classes twice a week....gay), and judo is fun (i'm working on it so i can beat the hell out of one of my friends. he's in november and a marine, one of my classmates. it's an empty dream though, he's a walking killing machine). sheaf hates my french class because i dropped calc 3 to take it (i had calc 3 with him, and he's still smarting over it that i dropped it. despite my many attempts to appease him with double-stuffed oreos. but he seems okay with it as long as i take calc 4 with him next semester).

just shoot me.

2008-08-22T22:55:00.000-04:00

I don’t even know. What can I say? That my life has been out of control, exciting, dangerous, alive, boring, frustrating for the past, oh, 12 weeks. I don’t know. But here I am sitting on my best friend’s bed, the night before her sister’s wedding, two days before my return. I miss being at basic. There life was simple—not easy, but certainly simple—but there, at school… it’s hard to believe that I think I only have one friend. MS, you know? Palooza and DS don’t count they’re shady and none of the others really count. I didn’t miss anyone from El Cid except MS. Not a single person, well except maybe my roommate, but those two are it. How sad is that? I miss my friends in Greensboro and my battle buddies in Alpha 796 more than anyone else. I don’t know I can understand what Matt (Pretty Boy Matt) was saying when he said he wasn’t close to very many of his classmates, but closer to his battle buddies. I don’t want to go back to the drama, the monotony, the idiocy of life there. Is this sad? That I can’t really find a place to belong for very long? Jokingly, I say that I should have stayed in regular college, but I’m only half joking. No, I don’t belong in this fake militaristic place. I belong in the real thing, where everything is clear-cut, where stuff makes sense. I guess I really am a warrior, eh? I want nothing more than to go to war, ah the simplicity of it. I love the smell of gunpowder, the smell of gun oil after I clean it, the feel of my boots as they hit the ground when I run, the sound of laughter after a joke is made about “accidentally” toppling a three-story building. The raw destructiveness of everything. I miss it. I miss joking about shooting people in the head, about raining rounds down on everyone, about walking through street red with the blood of our enemies. I want order, drill sgts, live rounds, M16s, automatic weapons, ACUs, sweat, and my own integrity and inner strength to get me through the day. I don’t want shining, formations, and people who think they know shit, when they don’t know a fucking thing. DS Wilbur told us once that he had nightmares because an RPG hit a humvee and lit it on fire. He tried to save them, burned the shit out of his hands trying, but in the end he failed and just sat and listened to them scream as they burned to death. Is this my fate? Is this the fate that stands before my men? Can I lead men into battle knowing that I could be leading them into their death? Knowing that I’m killing someone’s son, daughter, mother, father, sister, brother, aunt, husband…wife…? Can I do that? Can I?

2008-05-09T22:17:00.002-04:00

i miss MS. i miss all of my friends, but i miss MS the most. ah, sheaf. i think he misses me too. i called him today to ask if he remembered that conversation ("the fat kid" conversation, as he puts it), and we ended up talking for about half an hour, just catching up. he and his girlfriend are hilarious. i hope she understands him, and i hope he continues to treat her as a queen. ah, sheaf.

so i just finished The Host. my god! nothing can move me quite as much as a Stephenie Meyer novel. first the Eclipse series (book 4 comes out in august... the second, i believe) about vampires, now this one about aliens. but it's not the cheesy novels/books you would expect. the way she has the characters interact, the way they feel... the emotions. sometimes it's hard to separate the book from reality. very hard. and sometimes it opens old wounds. ah, books haven't affected me like this in a very long time... i love it! ah, i adore you Mrs. Meyer.

apologies for the lightening fast post, but there's not much in the way of excitement. other than VG turning 21! we got her INSANELY plastered on monday (which was her birthday), despite her protests of "i don't want to get drunk!" you're turning 21, get over it. oh, look for the video footage on youtube and the picture on facebook. al with permission of course. i won't put the one up were she was undressing and happened to smack SS in the face with her bra. hilarious! but other than that, nothing really all that interesting has happened. so, nothing to post. i'm sure i'll come up with something... :D

"God is in the rain."

2008-05-08T19:48:00.000-04:00

I don’t know what day it is, nor do I care. After almost completely decimating The Host by Stephenie Meyer, it’s made me think. I took Audrey outside so she could poop and do her business—a task I’d almost forgotten in my enthusiasm. But I’m struck, sitting on the steps leading out to my back yard, how beautiful this world is. Our planet, this world that humanity has been graced to live upon. Do we know how beautiful it is to watch a mother and father blue bird return to their nest and listen to there babies calling in unison; elated at their return, for it means food? Do we know the myriad of colors that dances into our world—the purples, the blues, the yellows, the greens—? Do we realize how truly beautiful our planet is? How our existence even, is such a beautiful thing? It amazes me how trivial things influence our thinking, our way of life. I still touch—and mourn—my hair, sometimes surprised at what I sacrificed in order to be happy. But what about nature? These beautiful songs the birds sing, the chatter the squirrels make, the flicker of movement that is the rabbits—all of these are sacrifices. All of this pinpoints their location to the hawks that in habit our quiet little world. The risks, the trials of every day life, missed by trivialities. It’s astonishing. The flowers that smile and sing to the sun, hoe leaves dance to the wind. Beautiful. This world is so beautiful. How many people are unaware of this beauty? Do they stop existing and start paying attention? Do they start living? Do they listen to the way the trees speak? Or how the wind sings? Or watch the way that the moon and the sun smile? Watching the mother Blue Bird—a ruddy brown that is both ugly and breath-taking—guard her nest from my far away presence, is hilarious and mournful. Such tranquility. Trees that have seen more sunsets and sunrises than anyone around. At sunrise and sunset the noise, the songs of this world reach a crescendo before darkness takes over, as if in one last fight to be heard. The wood bees hard at work, making a new home—ah, the resilience of nature. But what of humanity? Were we right in colonizing this beautiful planet? This wonderful world full of colors, of sights, of sounds, of smells—were we right?

Diary of a Teenage Dirtbag

2008-04-29T09:44:00.004-04:00

i'm hungover and have a disgusting taste in my mouth. well, let me start at the beginning of my night, last night. did i mention that i'm drunk?

i wanted to go shopping, and dom and i were done (finally) with our finals. so we decide to go shopping on king st. then last night we were going to watch a movie with huck finn (he was suppose to bring us double stuffed oreos otherwise we were going to jump him and beat him up), well we decided while we were out shopping that we should buy vodka and cranberry juice and bring it back to the battalion (concealed, of course) and get drunk while we're watching the movie. great plan, i think. buuuut most of the stores just sold beer, wine, or bitch drinks. we wanted stuff to get cruuuunk, not friggin beer and shit. noooo. anyway, where was i? oh yeah, so we walk around downtown. i buy a pair of jeans, some sweet tea for palooza, and then we get kind of hungry. dom's like "why don't we just go to juanitas?" i'm wanted a burrito and a margarita anyways, so i was down with that. wellll, that was a tactical error (you'll see, no worries). so we start off with a sweet tea for her and a raspberry margarita for me (on the rocks, cause dom's not 21 and they check IDs. so both of us down that. so i order another (but lime this time, with no salt. margarita on the rocks + salt= YUCK) along with our food (burrito for me and a quesadilla for her). well the drink comes first, then we see these 2 oscar knobs walk in. did i mention it's happy hour from 1600-1900? and we go there at about 1700? well anyway, these oscar knobs get a fuckin pitcher of beer. clearly they are under 21. CLEARLY. anyway, they down 2 pitchers and then order shots. WTF. so we're glaring at them, because dom and i have to be secretive. but anyway. so it starts POURING outside, when dom and i were getting ready to leave. well, we have to stay now right? can't walk back in the rain... so i order another margarita. well when we're polish off the 3rd margarita, the oscar knobs come over to our table and invite us to drink with them. hahaha, so we agree, order another margarita and a round of shots. i'm not sure what the shots were, though. but anyway, we take the shots, dom and i share the margarita, and this oscar knob is druuunnk. i would like to say at this point in time that when we were talking about ordering the shots (the first ones. oh yes, there were more. and beer. and beer pong.) i was like "nooo. i'm done. are you ready to go home?" then uh i succumbed to peer pressure. well, that and i didn't want to pass up more alcohol. hahaha. WOW. so we're talking and talking, and dom and i finish the margarita and order another. well happy hour's done now. so everything is regular priced. i peed a LOT. and i was pretty drunk. the more margaritas we made, the stronger they made them. well there were CfC people who were playing beer pong, and dom and the not-plastered oscar knob try to get in (they banded they knob who was PLASTERED from playing). so dom asks me if i'm going to help her drink the beer because she hates beer, and i say yes, of course. dom smokes when she's drunk. and the plastered-knob is a smoker too. so we go outside (it's pretty much stopped raining) and we're waiting on our beer pong game to stop, when i decide that i want a cigarette. so i i'm like, "dom. i want to try your cigarrette" she hands it to me and tells me not to inhale "don't inhale! hold the smoke in your mouth, then blow it out". i think by the end of the night i had had ummmmm maybe like 6-8 cigarettes. yeah. OUT. OF. CONTROL. i'm starting to really feel the alcohol after that cigarette, so i go and take plastered guys cigarette. and we share 2 cigarettes. then they finally start playing beer pong. and plastered guy and i start making out. yeah, i did. dom separates us, then goes back to her game. we make out for a solid 5 minutes (he is a HORRIBLE kisser. i thought this even when i was drunk, so he must have been terrible), then i decide i don't want to make out with him anymore. so we share the beer dom's giving us. well, i'm completely done by the end of the beer pong game. we order another shot (this was a goodbye shot), dom wants another margarita (all of us are drunk now) and i say "no! no more margaritas!" and the not-plastered-guy agrees with me. i think we got over-charged, but our bill was less than the boys (almost 55 bucks a piece). dom calls a cab and i'm pissed cause i can't smoke in the cab, they separate plastered-guy and i, so i'm sandwiched in the back. i wanted to smoke in the front sally port and dom said no. she broke my cigarette and i got pissed. i smoked 2 more times, then passed out on my floor. dave, kirk, cam, sheaf, beal, and a lot of other people kept coming in to check on me to make sure i was alive. dom says baroody helped me up the stairs, cause i almost fell down them and dom was too drunk to stop me.

wow. my life is out of control. did i mention we're going drinking with GP and dave tonight?

less than 24 hours....

2008-04-18T08:58:00.002-04:00

i have less than 24 hours before our wreck days starts. (i normally wouldn't say this, but i think that this definite situation for it) HOOAH!! hahaha. you know, i've been posting so (semi)sporadically, because nothing is really going on in my life. i mean, sure rec day is a big deal, but you know, it's a DAY. so that's a bit different. still have a thing (read: huge thing) for that oscar knob, and MS still makes fun of me for it. but whatever. oh! speaking of which, he was in such a terrible mood yesterday! he kept threatening to throw SA off fourth (well she was being a bit irritating, but still). i don't know, and he seemed kinda of down too. poor MS... but (!) i did manage to get him to smile (muahahahahaha :D). because he does the same thing when i get in a funk; it's irritating when he does it but hilarious too. oh! like how cam l. called IMMIGRATION on one of his friends roommate's boyfriend. well, let me say that differently, cam l. his friends with girl A and girl A was complaining about her roommate girl B (girl B was being a complete cow, apparently). welll, girl B's boyfriend is an illegal alien. so cam l. (who we'll just call Lasso), so Lasso and one of his and girl A's mutual friends call immigration on girl B's boyfriend. at first when he told me, i called him an asshole. then i couldn't stop laughing. i'm soooo going to Hell.

on a side note, i'm going to get like 3 grand from basic this summer (unless i do AIT, in wise case i'll get 20 grand, 10 for basic and 20 for AIT). which is totally going to pay for TOKYO! cause we're going, no questions asked (now i may not be able to save up that 5 grand.... but we'll see). and on yet another tangent, i now have 979 pictures, 36 movies (video clips that i've taken with my camera) in my iPhoto library. my entire library is 2.5GB. that's larger than my music library (which is 1.83GB).

and i'm bored.... which means trouble.... possibly. actually no, that won't happen because romeo knobs are already in TONS of trouble. we er well, all but like 3 of us have eaten at least once up in corps squad mess.... and uh our CO found out and was PISSED. sooo uh yeah, not such a good situation... (which is why rec day is "whatever" because we're going to get SMOKED because of what we did)

21

2008-04-16T13:56:00.002-04:00

okay, so this week i am going to dinner with the math club on tuesday (which was yesterday) and a chemistry departmental dinner on thursday. well, i thought both were on tuesday, and said i wasn't going to the math thing. well, turns out i can't exactly read, because one was on tuesday and one is on thursday. well, i went and 21 is FANTASTIC. i want to count cards! i don't like gambling, but i think it would be fun to count cards.

ugh. is it may 3rd yet? my post was going to be longer, but i don't really want to write more. (am completely unmotivated)

dreams, widgets, and other strange adventures

2008-04-14T07:39:00.004-04:00

okay, so i think that what i eat before i go to bed does effect (not 'affect', right?) my dreams at night (as well as why i have to constantly take pee breaks at 3 in the morning). so i can't remember what i was dreaming, i kept trying to grasp it when i woke up, but i couldn't. there was a donkey/horse-kind of creature and it had WAAAAAAAAAY too many teeth, and it was owned by this teenager or something. it was beyond weird. then there was another dream... i don't know i can't really remember the super elaborate dreams. and it seems the more i want/try to remember them the more my brain seems to bury them. but no one every forgets anything, it's just buried and they have to work to find it.

so i just found out that i can take Arabic, Swahili, French, German, Spanish, Italian, Japanese, Portuguese, and Russian. all in the summer! grant it, i have to take biology in the summer, so i probably will only be able to take about 2 languages. i'm thinking Spanish and Japanese so that when i come back to school, i can take Chinese. then the following summer (i think i'm going to delay going to LDAC until after my senior year) i'll take French, German, and Italian. Arabic, Swahili, Portuguese, and Russian may have to wait until 1) i get into pharmacy school (this may be unlikely as i want to try going to pharmacy school and culinary school. no, i do not hate myself) 2) the army wants me to (i'm going to be a linguist, at least this is what i'm thinking). we shall see. i think for being an american citizen, i need to speak Spanish fluently, but as an international/world citizen i need to speak Japanese, French, Chinese, and Arabic (you know the official languages of the UN are French and English). all the other language i learn are because i want to. so let's see if i could, personally, i would want to be able to read, write, and speak fluently (and well): Spanish, French, German, Dutch, Italian, Greek, Portuguese, Russian, Arabic, Persian/Farsi, Mandarin Chinese (perhaps Cantonese, but Mandarin is widely used), Japanese, Korean, Sanskirt (or is this just the writing of India?), and an African language. if i had a working knowledge of Vien, Thai, a Native American language, a Scandinavian language, and Cantonese. could you imagine that? being able to speak--what?--15 different languages. insane! and it sounds so much fun! translating things from one language to another to another, it would be challenging and fun. Spanish, French, German, Portuguese, Dutch, Italian, and Mandarin will all be a bit easier than the others, because i know someone who is a native speaker/fluent in all of those languages. what's going to mess me up is, of course, the reading and writing part (i.e. GRAMMAR). ugh, but i think i'll be able to logic through it. imagine FIFTEEN DIFFERENT LANGUAGES!! i could go almost anywhere and be able to communicate with the people there. north america, covered; south and central america, covered; europe (the western block, mind you), covered; much of africa, covered; asia, pretty okay. i would love it! it would be hard to find somewhere that teaches Sanskirt, Cantonese, an African language (other then Swahili), Dutch, and Greek. Latin, i've already taken (for years...) plus it's a dead language, so i don't see the point in continuing my schooling in it. but all the others... hahaha well see. i may have to break it up; learning romance languages together (French, Spanish, Italian, and Portuguese), then germanic based languages (German and Dutch), then asian languages that have similar ways of writing (Madarin, Japanese, Korean), then i'll probably just jumble Russian, Greek, Arabic, Farsi, Sanskirt, and an African language together.

.....so top priorities right now (i'm talking in terms of taking a language, not overall priorities) are Spanish, Chinese, Arabic, and Japanese. those are the world languages. well that's excluding French, but you know what i mean. i would looooove it if i actually learned to read and write in all of these. i would buy books in every single language i could speak; LOTS of books. and i would read out loud and in my head, to make sure that i stay on point as far as my language proficiency in those particular languages. ah, so many pipe dreams, but i went off on a tangent.

widgets! so i discovered that iWork is fantastic (MS has this on his Macbook pro). and that i can have different kinds of widgets on my computer! whaaat, they're so cool hahaha. i'm going to try it out now, actually. my translator widget is broken, so maybe i'll download a new one and see if it works. hopefully it will. so i'm going to take a nap, i think. wow i've already been on for over an hour? yikes

jueves...

2008-04-10T19:16:00.002-04:00

you know what i dream of? cupcakes and breads; cookies and pies; cakes and pastries; chocolates and cheesecake.... i want to be a baker so badly, that i can taste it. quite literally sometimes, haha. i told banana that i wanted to quit college and become a baker. she said that it was unfortunate that i had made commitments already. she was talking about me enlisting in the national guard. yes, well, i needed a way to pay for college. mum is still talking about how i may or may not be able to come back next semester because of money (she thinks the guard needs to pay me more money, but i my GPA comes up, when i contract i'll be on scholarship). if i don't come back, i'm not entirely sure what i'll do. other than wanting to kill myself. after knob year, there's no point in quitting, you've made it through the worst, why bother leaving when it's smooth sailing? who knows. argh.

so i had another one of my classmate/friends get food poisoning yesterday. and my tummy has also decided not to digest my food. so i've been sick, needless to say.

i. am. NEVER. eating at the mess hall as an upperclassmen. the only time i will will be thanksgiving, corps day, and if i am a mess carver as a senior (my poor knobbies will starve on meat lasagna day. especially if i sit with nick)

so i've got another cousin. cool huh? not so much. i mean, i'm glad that they wanted a baby and had one, and he's healthy and everything. fantastic. but i would love it if they would actually be PARENTS. or GOOD parents to be exact, you know? besides, i think this little boy is just the product of my uncle wanting his kids to get the attention that my sister and i got from our grandfather when we were kids. well, there are a few problems with that. first off, my grandparents were in there fifties when we were running around naked after baths at their house (i lived with my grandparents for about 6 years, give or take. i was 3 yrs old when we moved in). second off, we lived with them, you raving idiot! and third (also the most important), my mum saw it as a privilege, not a right, that my grandparents would watch us when we were younger. i happen to think this cruel on both parties, as i was a hellion when i was a kid--my mum for letting my grandparents watch us knowing full well my grandmother was going to beat me when (not if) i misbehaved, and my grandparents for having to deal with a hyper-active, devilish, ADD, 6 year old. not that much has changed, but i know how to be subtle about it, now. but back to the matter at hand. i have a new COUSIN. and it's a BOY. there is something so completely wrong about this picture, it's not even funny. a BOY. need i remind everyone that i have 4 maternal cousins (not counting the new one of course). all but one of them is female. did i mention i have a sister? and an aunt? and a mum? and a GRANDMOTHER? estrogen dominates my family. my dad's side there are.... 7 grandchildren. and four of us are females. need i say more? the other problem that arise in a MALE grandchild on my mother's side, is that my grandfather has been wanting one... well, since forever. i was a substitute, i think. because i was treated (and still am a bit, i think) like a boy. banana says that she has a little brother and sister all rolled in to one. thanks. no really, i think it's a compliment. actually, i think my grandfather treated both of us as if we were asexual (only slightly, mind you. he would remember when he would climb the stairs after mum bathed us and saw naked little girls running around). i am not liking this new development of a new baby. mainly because this means that pressure will be put on my sister (mainly her, though) and i to babysit. i do not babysit. the only little girls i babysit are 8 (newly turned!) and er i think Sparks is 5 going on 6. i babysit them, because they are hilarious and they know i do not suffer whining and ill behavior lightly. i think i'm getting grumpy in my old age. but at any rate. i am DONE with oatmeal diapers (SHUDDER), crying babies, heating up milk bottles, drool, and vomit. ugh. grant it, i spent a summer with my aunt after Marks was born and had an absolutely awesome time. my sister was there when Sparks was born ( i was 15, i believe. i KNOW i was 13 when Marks was born, because i remember thinking "when she's my age, i'll be 26... damn.")

on a complete tangent: i just looked out our window, and it looks like someone set the sky on fire and tried to douse it with water. it's beautiful. i believe i've mentioned before how the sunset in charleston looks like someone set the sky on fire. ahhh. i can imagine getting up and going to work at a bakery here. not the cute cupcakes store, or the place that makes cakes. but a BAKERY. with bread and cookies and pies and cakes and pastries and cheesecake..... and have a tea house/kaufhauss (did i spell that right?). anyway, i have to act like i'm doing homework.

A Ray of the Wayward Sun

2008-04-05T13:11:00.002-04:00

so i just had this dream about a puppy. she was this adorable black lab-mix puppy, who was goofy, had big feet, and like to eat African violet leaves, and roll over on her back like 8 times. she was walking around the kitchen at the house, she would go into the pantry and i would shoo her away and say "no, puppy" and the would go and get an African violet leaf and come back and wander around the kitchen, and i would take the leaf from her and say "no, puppy" then give the leaf to audrey, who's laying by the fridge watching the puppy and i move around the kitchen. then banana and KN (as in katie, yes THAT katie n.) walked in and i asked them, "do you know her name?" because they were watching her or something and doing something on the counter tops (fixing food, maybe). then banana says "'mum mentioned something about 'a ray of of the wayward sun'. is that right?" and both KN and banana look at me that's when my conscious self (i do this in dreams i have my subconscious thoughts--the dream me thinking--then my conscious thoughts--the me who walks, talks, eats, and thinks) realizes that this puppy is mine. and i look at her and laugh (i'm sitting down playing with the puppy on the floor, and making sure she leaves audrey's leg alone--the leg she had surgery on) and say "yes, that's her name. Ray". the puppy loves audrey and is super cute (like audrey was when she was a pup--not to say she's not now)

but i thought it was weird that i named a dog "A Ray of the Wayward Sun". and i feel like i've heard that from somewhere, but i'm not entirely sure where. it feels like my mind is trying to tell me something but i'm not sure what. maybe it's telling me to start writing again? all i know, is i'm totally going to get a puppy and name it "A Ray of the wayward Sun", or "Ray" for short. why 'ray'? why not 'way'? or 'sun'? now i want to know if it was suppose to be in another language. one i've forgotten? i've forgotten most of my japanese and a lot of my vien (since i'm not around VG all the time). i'm not sure. but i've got to finish shining and getting dressed so MS and i can go downtown (grocery shopping and food, duh)

a day in the life of a volleyball player

2008-04-04T09:06:00.003-04:00

so my roommate is best friends with cam, our neighbor and a basketball player (who also happens to be dating her OTHER best friends jess, they play volleyball together). well apparently two of the basketball players have been trying to get at SA/have crushes on her. and by that i mean she got a facebook message yesterday that said "no one's walking around, if you wanted to come down to my room and stay here tonight, no one would see you" this after 2300 all-ins. yeah. i nearly peed my pants when i found out. it was like midnight when he sent her that (her internet is finally working again) message and i started laughing hysterically at her because she's had other basketball players after her as well. and it's so funny because everyone in our company thinks that she and cam have something going on, but they don't! all they do all night is talk, hahaha. seriously, they use to be in here until like 4am just fucking talking the entire time (or watching a movie). my poor roommate. i feel bad for her. she and her boyfriend broke up, ummm shortly after winter break (or was it before?) i think it was before. so we're both single after being in long distance/serious/long term relationships. so she getting hit on by a knob from the basketball team, an upperclassmen from the basketball team, AND our battalion XO has been after her since right after hell week (keep in mind, his fiance sits right in front of me in my calculus class and he sends SA emails like "i always see you smiling. it looks like you're smiling for me. are you smiling for me?" CREEPY). see what we have to deal with? i have this stalker-esque kid from PB who is sooo creepy. he hits on me constantly and he has a girlfriend too (i met her!!) and yet, he persists. GROSS.

ah, welcome to a day in the life of a romeo knob.

oh! if you type in someone's name and then put 'owned.com' after it this CRAZY slide show comes up. no lie. for example: "bob.owned.com" try it. i'm not even kidding. our platoon sgt showed it to us.

so i just figured out that i can be a linguist for the army. BALLA. i would LOVE to do that. learn all of those different languages? that would be soooo much fun. but i also want to go to pharmacy school. so i'm not entirely sure how that's going to work. but whatever. anyway, we just had MRIs, so i think i'm going to shine my shoes then take a nap.

ugh

2008-04-02T07:41:00.003-04:00

it's incredibly muggy here. SA and i decided to sleep with the windows closed, and the fans on. but she didn't get much air last night, so i'm going to if i can rig it so that she does tonight. it's going to be hot on friday, which is going to SUCK because we have parade. so it'll be hot, muggy, and zero clouds on the parade deck. they might as well cancel, you know? i would much rather shine or something instead of going to parade. no sweep detail though, i hate sweep details.

(4/6/08) ........... and i never really finished this post. don't remember my train of thought, hahaha

back for more.......

2008-03-31T18:26:00.002-04:00

annnnnnnnnnd...... we're back! back in charleston, it was totally col and disgusting outside yesterday (NOT happy about this). so not only did i now want to come back, but charleston wasn't really happy to see me either. i digress. so we're driving along, getting ready to get off on meeting st, which intersects with calhoun, which intersects with king (Moe's, my food of choice, is on the corner of calhoun and king, right across from starbucks and a very upscale hotel that has disgusting bathrooms). anyway (another digression). so we're on this bridge and my mum goes "remember when you said you could smell charleston?" this in reference to when i came back after winter furlough, and was incredibly excited to be back in charleston. my mum then breathes in and says laughingly, "smell that?" i smiled at her antics (because my mum IS hilarious), and looked out the window and started at the gray clouds, depressed.

the air is so thick today. i can almost feel it raining, and there's no rain. but it'll rain. we have a problem with flooding here, meanwhile there's still a drought back home. but i have my shoes to fix, MS to tutor, and calculus homework to do. and i still want to be a regular college student

The Purple Dodge Syndrome

2008-03-30T00:10:00.005-04:00

okay, so i was reading something (completely unrelated to the story i'm about to tell) and it mentioned "the purple dodge syndrome". well you know that if you have an unusually colored car, like purple for instance, you notice that other people have a purple car as well. it's not until something happens to you that you realize, it. well. it's not until.... well, whatever the fuck happened with WT that i noticed all of my fucking songs are love songs!!!. which is why i wanted iTunes gift cards for christmas, and any other gift giving holiday. but i'm glad i didn't get that. it's funny now though. i'm making VG a CD before i have to go back to the citadel (more on that later), and i've found that i can no longer listen to Maroon 5, and i can barely stand Something Corporate. sad, isn't it? luckily Justin Timberlake never got tainted by WT and i's passion. passion. now that's something i haven't said in a long time. it was like Romeo & Juliet, if they had actually survived, they would have hated each other within months. because if all you have is passion, then it'll never work. well, that's what i keep telling myself. i've tried to cut myself off from him (he's not on my buddy list, not in my phone, not on my myspace; i'm trying to be polite in not being his friend on facebook). maybe i'll change my s/n. i've just figured out that he won't be notified when i delete him from. luckily, i like The Postal Service too much for "Brand New Colony" to be tainted with the memory of me dancing around my kitchen with a wooden spoon singing while he laughed at me, then he would grab me and we would kiss. and kiss. and laugh. well, shit. Maroon is forever ruined. at least Songs of Jane is. i told MS that my memories where starting to fade of the time that WT and i spent together. he said that he was sorry. i told him i wasn't, and i'm not. well if i'm not, then why can't i bring myself to delete those pictures of the two of us? pictures i don't even fucking look at.

maybe i'm going insane. it feels like it some days. why the hell would i go to a military college? 3 more weeks left as a knob, and i decide to lose myself. i don't want to go back to rules, to all-ins, to lights out, to fucking bullshit rules and discipline. i want to party. i want to get drunk and pass out on my friend's couch. i want to walk around downtown at 1 in the morning. i want to go clubbing every weekend. i want a job. i want freedom. why did i decide to join the national guard? why does this shit have to happen now? why am i losing myself now? i feel like i'm drowning. am i drowning? is this really what i want? i'm reminded of something i wrote years ago:

Doubt

"Justice.

What a weakling's ideal. There is no justice in this world, I discovered that long ago. One of my fellow pilots asked me once why I fought for justice. The response I gave was immediate, unconscious, and a lie.

“For those who were slaughtered. For those who fought only for freedom, and were slaughtered for it.”

Do you see what I have become, Meiran? --a lonely dragon, with only lies and useless ideals to comfort me, no others of my kind. What would you think of me? --a lonely warrior with no direction. Heero believes one should act on one's emotions. I think he is wrong. I have acted on my emotions, and I have become the enemy.

What happens when the lines of justice and revenge begin to blur? What happens when I can not figure out what I am fighting for? Justice or revenge?

Justice.

I doubt myself, Meiran. Did you ever doubt yourself? No, you were such an infallible warrior. You, with your sword and ideals of justice, and I, with my books and my meadow.

My Nataku, I wanted to fight with the same strong ideals that you died for. My Meiran, I wanted to give the colonies justice. But have I just given them revenge?

Who am I Nataku? Am I revenge? I fight in the name of Justice because I do not know who I am. I fight for revenge. I fight to find myself. Do I fight to find myself, Meiran? "

i use to write, i use to paint, to draw. i use to read. i use to dream. now? now i feel safe, but i have nightmares. i wake up in the middle of the night sweating because i'm terrified. why? why do i have nightmares there, when there's nothing wrong? while here, i dream, but i can never sleep through the night (why do you think i stay up until 4am? it's because i can't sleep at night). i'm so different than i use to be. my mum thinks it's good. the title "Escapades of a Former Free Spirit" was a joke--a play on word, if you will--but it feels like it's too true now. isn't that sad? but once i finish knob year (15 more official days), there's no point in quitting. what would be the point of that? is this really what i want?

"okay, where's the crack pipe?"

2008-03-28T20:59:00.002-04:00

so i just got off the phone with my fabulous aunt l. and she is hilarious. as are her children. she and my mum are so much a like, it's eerie. and what's even better, is that my sister and i are turning (or would that be turned?) out to be just like them. oh, the females in my family. but back to the story of todays hilarious quote via Aunt L. her oldest daughter is having her.... 8th (? i'm pretty sure, because i was 13 when she was born) birthday on sunday. well her big party is tomorrow, and she keeps asking for more and more (she seems desperate to blow her budget, which will not happen). hints the quote. i love it.

i also found this magnet when i was at the black expose that said "Don't even trip". my aunt's motto it seems, because i hear it quite frequently. it's been directed at me many many times, so trust me, i have no sympathy when i hear her tell her children that. speaking of her kids, i feel bad for them sometimes because we just had 2 mommies. they have four. can you imagine being 3 and having something like "no!" yelled at you by 4 different people. scary. but back to the story. so i sent it to her via banana, and she got it and informed me that she's going to make room for it on the fridge, which had me cackling. and when we got off the, her parting words? "no more tequila."

hahahahahahaha, oh aunt l, how i love you. :D

Tequila is not your friend.

2008-03-27T21:06:00.002-04:00

okay. so we started last night off (after going back and forth for hours about whether to go clubbing or get drunk), at around 2400 i might add, with tequila shots. cheap tequila shots. all of us took shots, then had cranberry chasers. we had a fun filled night filled with margaritas, this rum and tequila mixture that was DISGUSTING and incredibly STRONG. i had one tequila shot, many many margarita-esque drinks (they were little more than tequila shots). well let me give you a play by play.

so we go to VG and krys' house to go drinking. we still have half a bottle of tequila, a bottle of gentleman jack, almost a full bottle of kaluha (sp?), and a fourth of a bottle of vodka and rum. so maybe we were ready to party. well since saturday night we basically just drank rum and vodka, so tonight we decided to just to tequila and kaluha. oooohh it was SUCH a horribly bad idea. so we decide to start off the night with shots (we had gone to the grocery store for cookie dough, ice cream, and ice). bad idea. i was done after that last shot. but the i made a drink with tequila and rum, which was STRONG and absolutely disgusting. we completely downed that. then VG made this drink with 3 kaluha shots, ice cream, ice, soy milk, and cookie dough in it. it was DIVINE. we downed that as well. then i made us 2 rounds of "margaritas". bad idea. in between the rounds of "margaritas", VG and krys had 3 MORE shots of tequila (one of which had an ALCOHOL chaser of whatever my drunk ass was making, but the rest had cranberry juice) and a shot of kaluha. i passed out (no literally, i could barely even make it to the couch) on the couch after a shot of tequila, a mixers of rum and tequila, a white russian-esque drink with kaluha, and two "margaritas". did i mention none of us had anything to eat all day? so we're drinking on an empty stomach. UGH. so anyway, i pass out on the couch, and VG and krys keep drinking after i passed the fuck ooouuuut.

now the next day. we all pass out, i was gone at about 0130-ish, maybe about 0200 i was done. VG and krys had to go to class the next day. VG was still too drunk, krys (amazingly) went to class. and i was still passed out on the couch. well today, all of us feel like SHIT. we don't have a hang over (no headache, nausea, etc) but we feel like SHIT. i still feel like i'm drunk. so what is the moral of this story? Tequila is not your friend. in which case we came up with, "fuck tequila". we're totally sticking to rum and vodka. when we took vodka shots we didn't feel like shit. ugggh. did i mention we're drinking on saturday night too? :D

"it's 5 o'clock somewhere"

2008-03-23T11:09:00.004-04:00

so last night my wonderful, wonderful friends threw me a (proper) 21st birthday party. a proper birthday party would entail vodka (grey goose), rum (bacardi), and tequila. which meant that we broke a digital camera and a blinder (it was a wee one, so it's not that incredibly bad, thankyouverymuch), drunk dialed countless people, i had to get help to undo my pants because i had to pee (very very badly), VG passed out on the couch, and Krys and I danced. a lot. and VERY uncoordinated dancing, to N'Snyc no less. only with good, close friends can you get incredibly drunk and listen to old school pop music and it be okay. but holy shit. first experience in a liquor store was weeeiiirrrd.

i love it. no one threw up. no one blacked out. it was all in good fun. we did make VG take a vodka shot with a cranberry chaser, though... but that was cause we deemed her "not drunk enough". good times, good times. did i mention that we're almost all out of vodka and rum? plenty of tequila left over. tequila shoooots! :D but let's see.... we made cosmos, martinis, daiquiris, jungle juice (which consisted of tequila, vodka, and rum), and i don't think we got to margaritas. we've also decided that we're going to go to Vegas, once everyone is 21. we're mainly going to vegas to go to cirque du soleil, clubbing, and drinking (in that order). i can't waaaaait. tokyo is definitely a go, from what i hear. so VG, SS, krys and i. or maybe just VG and i, but hopefully everyone can go, you know? cause then it'd be more fun

home

2008-03-22T11:58:00.002-04:00

so it's nice to be home. why? know what i had for breakfast? no, it wasn't runny, under cooked egg substitutes, or disgusting mystery (pork) meat, and no, i didn't clog my ateries. i had 2 bagels with cream cheese, strawberries, and soy milk. that's it. i'm going to be so happy once i'm not a knob anymore, because i'm NEVER going to eat in the DISGUSTING mess hall again. SA and i are getting a fridge, waffle iron, a griddle (mum just said some waffle irons have griddles in them), and a microwave. in addition to the heating pot we have. then maybe i'll get an electric tea pot as well. i already don't use our laundry service anymore. why bother? my clothes don't get clean. i DO use the dry cleaners though. but they won't iron my duty shirts, because i can do it faster and better. i'm not THAT lazy.

i'm not going to care about knobs next year. i need a 4.0 every semester, so my GPA will come up. who cares if they didn't shine their shoes? as long as they're blitzed out for inspections, have good PT scores, and really good grades; i'll be happy. because we go to a COLLEGE. so they ned good GRADES. who honestly is going to care if they were blitzed out all the time in the real world? no one. because you grades and extracurricular activities are what matters. that's what i'm going to emphasize. but honestly, they probably won't give me rank. why? because my grades are HORRENDOUS. well, they're really not that bad, but it's horrendous for me. which is why i need straight A's now, until. but whatever. anyway, thought i'd give an update on how excited i am to be eating healthy. did i mention that beal and i will have fresh fruit? and that i'm going to go AWOL just to get it(oh, she will too, no worries about that)? we're going to make our own food, have flowers in our room, and eat healthy stuff instead of fried E.coli for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (YUCK). anyway, i'm going to go and finish "window shopping" at target.com (i only want an apartment so i can have a dog and have a reason to buy stuff for sai apartment).

so yeah

2008-03-20T11:39:00.003-04:00

i still don't really talk to palooza and dom anymore. i talk to dom only if a response is required. palooza i'm semi-friendly. it depends on my mood. i don't really care. i should never have started hanging out with romeo knobs. NEVER. such bullshit. but yeah, i'm leaving for spring break TOMORROW. and my sister plans on celebrating my birthday, which i'm excited about. but not too excited. because once she leaves, my life will be boring again, since i don't have a car and have zero dollars. but we got yelled at by our CO because he said that we've just thrown in the towel for knob year. and our motivation is waaay low. that's mainly because we didn't have very many moto knobs get gold stars or dean's list. grade are important. plus, we have 3 weeks left. who gives a shit? CR last night was HILARIOUS. we asked him if he wanted to go to the O course and he goes "see that takes a little something called 'motivation' and i'm fresh out". i love it. i have a math test tonight that i could have honestly made an A or B on, if i had studied. but i haven't. because tomorrow's friday and i'm going to the o course then taking a nap in english. what more could i ask for? who gives a crap. i'll care when i come back, and not before.

i'm actually going to make like a final study guide for my linear and calc 3 class. i think i'm going to be a math minor, and double major in biology and chemistry. but i'm not entirely sure yet. chemistry and math are here to stay, for sure. buuuut, well i don't know. i'm kind of wishing that i didn't have to go to basic at all. i mean, i want to be a soldier, but i'm looking in the long wrong, and it's not going to work out in the long run. now i'm kind of wishing that i had waited, but that's alright. i can do what i wanted to do in the army anyways. hopefully i'll be able to go into the reserves so that i can go to post-baccalaureate school, you know? there a lot of places i'm looking at. my grades have to come up though, which shouldn't be a problem. but more on this later tonight (no sleeping toniiiight :D), i have a lunch formation to get to. and food poisoning to get. woo!

21st bitches

2008-03-08T10:10:00.003-05:00

that's right. you ready that correctly. i'm mothafuckin 21 bitch! hahaha. i definitely cleaned all night, and talked to SA because we had President's Inspection the next day. our room got OR, by the way. but uh our room was done by thursday night. i had a preknob, and put her to work, because she's not going to sit around and watch us clean when we have the most formal inspection of the year. f-that. but in a nutshell: MY. BIRTHDAY. SUCKED.

yeah, first off turning 21 and being a knob is the dumbest thing ever. then having presidents inspection is even worse. but wait, it gets better. so palooza, dom, and i were all planning on on changing into civvies, going downtown, and drinking margaritas. having a ballin ass time, right? WRONG. so i TELL THEM that i had something to do today from 1500ish to 1900, i told them this REPEATEDLY. so palooza txts me (she was suppose to have punishments by the way, but didn't. it was all really dumb, i didn't honestly give a shit) and says for me to "meet us at the mellow mushroom in an hour". okaaaay. it's 1530. HELLOOO! I. AM. DOING. SOMETHING. do the words "previous engagement" mean anything to you people? apparently not. so i txt er back that i can't, blah blah. then she starts hinting that she might not want to go out that night and have margaritas/celebrate my birthday. i should have known there was something up then. but i text dom, to tell her to make palooza go because she's acting like she's going to bail. dom texts back, that we're all still on for tonight. this is an important point. DOM says that tonight is a go, for sure. remember this. so it's like 1800ish and i'm eating dinner, my previous engagement (which was a black expose with Donna for the supply store) is winding down, we're eating and i'm getting ready to go home/back to the barracks. okay. so dom calls me and starts bitching and moaning about how, they're not going to be able to have margaritas because she went with nikki and she got kicked out because she wasn't 21, blah blah blah. so she asks me "where are we going to go? how are we going to get there?" etc. alright i thought this was going to be a quick "we'll see you in an hour" conversation. NO. she starts LYING about how we can't go anywhere or get a taxi to take us from the locker room (which they do ALL THE TIME because i've witnessed it), and how we can't change into civvies on campus and leave the lockers room (also complete bullshit because i've also WITNESSED them CHANGING INTO CIVVIES and LEAVING campus, from the locker room). so by this point i'm irritated because she's lying and she's spouting off complete bullshit (ms. there's no integrity at this school, people lie all the time and no one calls them on it. WOW you are full of SHIT. shut the fuck up. sucks to have a reputation as a slut, doesn't it? and what's funnier is that she hasn't even fucked anyone. isn't that hilarious?). so i try hurrying her off the phone, and she (finally) gets off the phone. so she calls back at 1830, and i'm leaving the restaurant. i'm in north charleston, and they're down town. keep this in mind, because it's an important point. so she says that she and palooza are going to the movies. yes, that's right. the MOVIES. the closest movie theater to them is, oh, about 20 minutes away. i tell her, "it's 1830." her response? "yeah, but you're in north charleston." i am 10 minutes away from her. if they were going to the movies, they'd have to call a cab and WAIT for it to come, then drive/ride all the way out there. does anyone else see the absurdity of this? am i the only one who thinks she's a raving bitch? anyway, so she pauses when i tell her i'm 10 minutes away, then says she'll call me back. she calls back about 5 minutes later to say that she and palooza are going to the movies then to someone's house. that's it. she doesn't invite me, nothing. no "i'm sorry" nothing. she completely ditches me. and then they don't even feel bad about it. no apologies later on, no nothing. so i'm not friends with them anymore. which sucks for palooza because we're going to be comrades and going to basic together. and i'm going to fuck her over at EVERY chance. i'm so pissed.

but sunday was much better. my roommate (SA), sheaffer, and i all went to ihop (a sunday tradition that will not be damped by palooza and dom being complete and utter COWS). where, SA bought our regular stash of candy, MS bought our regular stash of double stuff oreos ("they have to be double stuff, otherwise they're not worth eating"), and SA bought my breakfast because my birthday celebration the day before was so incredibly shitty. so i'm glad i have a few good friends here, you know? palooza and dom can go fuck themselves, however. :D

2008-03-06T13:32:00.002-05:00

so it's been some time since i wrote last. things have been relatively uneventful. i got screamed at to get a haircut (which i STILL didn't get, but i did get them to get it off my ears and squared it off in the back). it's so dumb. i was told my hair was not neat and orderly, sorry my hair is fucking CURLY so it's not STRAIGHT like everyone else. annnd it just sucks because i think we're going to have an overnight on saturday night and i'm not going to take it because i don't have anywhere to go. and because no one visits, unless they absolutely have to (i.e. parents' and to pick me up for furlough). and it sucks. because i'm stuck here (the only knob, mind you) and everyone else is gone. so i spend the weekend alone. because no one's here. so most of the time, i don't even bother going to get food because that just makes me feel even worse. maybe it's hard to fatham, but even on open weekends, there are still a good amount of people about. but when there are overnights given out, EVERYONE takes them. so the campus is deserted. and it's pretty depressing when upperclassmen stop you and ask why you're still here and you have to say "sir because i don't have anywhere to go sir". that's the main reason i want an apartment. so i have somewhere to go. but that's probably not going to happen. because i don't want parties every weekend when i'm trying to sleep or study or relax. which means i'm going to have to live by myself. which is too expensive. then i just found out next weekend we get another overnight, corps wide. but i'm not going anywhere. why? because i don't have anywhere to go. i didn't get a host family because i figured i didn't need one, since i didn't live too far away. but whatever. i should have gotten one, so i would have somewhere to stay. how sad is that? i have the opportunity to leave, but i can't because then i'd have to sleep in an alley or something. you know, this is one of the few times that i hates the school i chose to go to. because no one's going to ever actually visit. i mean, they say they will, but i'll be lucky to have people come to my graduation. whereas, if i went to UNCG (where i would have killed myself) people wouldn't visit either, because it would be too close or they would come all the time. it's just sad and it sucks that i could walk around in civvies and sleep in a real bed, and be a normal college student. but i can't i guess that's my fault for coming here, isn't it?

cont.

2008-02-20T16:30:00.002-05:00

okay. so a continuation of this morning.....

so our wonderful wonderful clerks (read: stupid) decided that they just couldn't stand having 2 knobs in the alcove (a large room for 4 people, but we've had 2 of our females quit). so they decided to move 4 BOYS into that room. and 2 of them aren't even roommates. so instead of leaving palooza and dom to their room since we have TWO FUCKING MONTHS LEFT!! they decided to move EIGHT people around. and you know what? one of the boys STILL doesn't have a roommate. genius. absolute GENIUS. fucking retards. know why it was so fucked up? because GUYS were in charge of it. that's why. idiots. they could have just moved SA and i into the alcove. then bam, no problem. but no. they want to haze people in the alcove, that's why they moved the boys into 4th large. they also just wanted boys in the alcove, because that's how it was their knob year. after the seniors graduate, we'll be the only females in the whole company. awesome. unless they deem it necessary (which it is) to grace us with more females. but they probably won't. tango's overdue for some. but then again, tango has females in every class except their knob class.

oh! so SA just got an email about her being investigated for an honor violation. fucking mr. gregory. i hate that asshole. if my roommate gets kicked out, i swear to god. i'm not shaking hands with ANY of the goddamn sophomores. whatever, man.

granddaddy had his surgery today. and from what i hear, he's doing alright. which is ballin. i would like to take special leave and go and see him, but uh mum said not to. because he would want me to stay in school. but i would be! duh! i just want to take a weekend and go and see my grandparents. but i guess i can see her point. ah well. anyway. i'm going to head over to palooza's room in case we have a sweep detail (gaaaaaay).

ciao bello...... ciao bello...

2008-02-20T08:35:00.003-05:00

ciao. so i've decided that i'm going to take a LOT of languages not this summer, but the summer after that (summer 2009) at either CFC or UNCG. because i want to learn different languages. so i figured i would take them, and then we would adjust our plans to tokyo accordingly. because we are GOING to tokyo. and i reeeally want to go to germany for christmas. maybe i could get my grandparents to go....? that would be sooo cool! but yes, since my last entry was not.... the usual, i figured i would give you a REAL update.

so last friday i had to walk tours (50 minutes of walking back and forth on the quad..... with your rifle.... UGH). i had excessive demerits, so i had 5 tours in all. 3 of which i did a week ago (last wednesday) in the Writing and Learning Center (cons for tours, ole). and i had to walk 2 on firday. holy shit. they SUCKED. we got tours/cons for excessive demerits, because of our room during MRIs. we have MRIs this morning, and our room is blitzed out. i can wait for president's inspection, because we're going to get OR (outstanding room) and i'm going to get OPA (outstanding personal appearance) otherwise someone will have to be murdered. SA is going to find that her internet cord is missing on friday, because she is going to CLEAN and do so throughly. she gets distracted with the internet and everyone visiting. so i'm going to lock the door, and there will be no internet for SA and we shall clean.

so the PT test for The Zoo was suppose to have been taken on Feb 13th, but it was pouring outside (we have thunder storms every monday or sunday), so it got canceled. so we were suppose to take it on monday (Feb 18th), but it was storming AGAIN. so it got canceled as we were marching out of the battalion. so yesterday, we had our PT test. and the first PT test we took, i wasn't exactly moto, so i completely failed the sit ups. plus i wasn't in good shape then, nor did i care about some absurd PT test. so i got stuck with remedial PT (which suuuucks. getting up at 0530 to do some bullshit PT, is ridiculous). but the 13th when we were suppose to have taken it, i was just getting over being sick (read: flu and ear infection); so i was glad that it got canceled. the next monday, i didn't really care. but i definitely ate a whole box of cookies the day before our PT test. but back to the results of said PT test. so i passed it (260 out of 300) and i told my corporal that i would run in probably 1630 (max for females is 1530) and he asked if i had been running, and i said no. then he bitched about how i wouldn't be able to do it and blah blah blah. my run time was 1641. it would have been 1635, but i wasn't sure where to stop and i was starting to feel lazy again. we have a spirit run friday, and i have drill on saturday (we're suppose to play paintball, but i don't think we're going to be able to. so it'll just be a PT test and uh lots of milling around)

so we haven't gone grocery shopping in like..... 2 weeks. and i don't have the money to go this week, and SA doesn't have the leave (she has to sit CONS for excessive demerits) so she can't go grocery shopping. i don't know. i'm just too lazy to actually walk to the grocery store, then walk back here with all that food. oh! i have to get mum to send me cleaning stuff, since walmart is not within walking distance, and all the stuff i need for cleaning is there. our room is going to be bliiiiitzed. so my birthday is in.... 2 weeks(?) and I AM SO EXCITED. of course, President's Inspection is like friggin the day AFTER my birthday, so it would be kind of hard to get completely hammered. however, i was thinking of taking my overnight on the saturday of president's inspection, and uh not being sober until monday (yes, i have to come back on sunday, but no one said anything about being sober). oh, the fantastic-ness. i can not wait. hopefully my friends will come down. but i don't think they'll be able to. and if they're not, i probably won't take an overnight. i've been trying to get mum down here for Corps Day, so if not the weekend before (which is president's), then i'll take an overnight the weekend after, but only if mum's here. because otherwise, where would i stay? ahhh. yeah. and the weekend around exams, i want to take a weekend so i can go somewhere and study peacefully for an entire weekend. oh, and let's not forget, BE IN CIVVIES. ah, i can not wait. so april 11-13th.

basic this summer is going to suuuck. but i'll be alright, at least i won't get fat and nasty over the summer. which is fine with me. oh, did i mention i'm getting a preknob? yeah, she was wilson's, so i'm getting her instead. and uh, she's totally sleeping on the floor. SA was like "you're so mean!" i don't care. she can go home and not be a knob anymore, i'm stuck here. being a knob, and not getting any sleep. fuck that. i'm sleeping in MY rack, and you can sleep on the floor. i'll put stuff down for her if she doesn't have anything. but she's not sleeping in my rack. it's tiny. dom and i shared once, when the boys were all in her room. it was cramped. but we both still knocked the hell out anyway. ah, being a knob... so anyway, i've got to go to the national guard thing and ask them about my stupid request for military drill thing. so i better wake dom up (she's been starting to sleep in here every MWF morning, like i use to sleep in her room every afternoon) and go to the national guard building. OH! so when i come back this afternoon, i'll let you hear about how they made 4 boys move into 4th large, kicked the girls out, and there is still one knob who doesn't have a roommate. IDIOTS. fucking clerks.

being alive is different from living

2008-02-17T01:28:00.003-05:00

do you know the difference in being alive and living? there was one time, that i thought they were the same thing. they are not. it wasn't until someone showed me that i was just living, before i really felt alive. there is a reason i still hate valentines day. even when i was with him. i was never alove--i mean alive, freudian slip--in high school. all the bullshit. all the fake-ness. all the awkwardness of never really feeling accepted because i was different. i hate high school. then i graduated. and saw a bigger world. oh, the nostalgia. it wasn't until one touch, one look would make my face heat. when i would dance in the middle of the street, with cars going by and it raining, did i realize THIS is what it means to be alive. he made me feel alive. he made me realize that i was just going through the motions of life. he intrigued me. i'd never met anyone like him. he made me think about what it would be like to not have every waking moment of my life planned out. so what if it wasn't on my agenda? why not do it anyway? living. all i did was live before i met him. he asked me one time if i regretted being with him. i lied and told him i did, because i thought my pain was more important than whatever he was feeling. the truth is, i would do it all again. in a heart beat. sure, we're not together. but it's like everything i've every known or felt was through this glass barrier. then we kissed. and there wasn't a wall between me and the world anymore. it was like being woken up from a deep deep sleep and realizing how much BETTER everything looks, feels, smell, tastes after a good rest. have you ever tasted the sunshine? i have. it's my favorite flavor. have you ever felt the rays of the moon? i have and it's like a cool blankets when you lay down to sleep on a hot summer day. has the wind ever kissed and caressed your skin? it has for me. the way his eyes would crinkle when he would laugh. how blue his eyes turned when he would wake up to find me staring at him. how he would touch me as if i were something special, something beautiful. i wouldn't wish that away because now i'm alive. because now i can cry and feel things. even when aunt betty died. i couldn't cry. i never understood that. why couldn't i cry? i could never do it on my own. but one look. it was like my sorrow and pain was there all along. and he would just hug me. then the tears would never stop. he never said anything. he just wiped my tears and we would lay down, and i would listen to his heart beat. sometimes he would ask "you good?" other times a low, barely heard "i love you", sometimes he never said anything at all. i could never cry on my own. unless it was BECAUSE of him. those tears always came easily. i'm glad i'm alive. i'm not living anymore; some hunk of flesh walking around. no, i notice things. like the way dom looks at jacobson. or the way CR never seems to leave me alone. or the way i never feel alone anymore. even at home. even with him, i felt alone. here, never. there are time when i feel left out, but then someone barges in (at that exact moment), and i realize that i will never be alone again. never. the nostalgia is still staggering, though. sometimes i wake up from day dreaming, thinking he's next to me. but he's not. that was my choice. but the lonliness then is choking. i can't breathe those day; like there's a cold fist around my lungs. those are they days i watch people. humanity is beautiful. and so very very ugly. i've started having nightmares, and i'm not sure why. i'm not an insomniac, like i use to be. it was amazing how i could never sleep at home. i listened to his heartbeat, to make sure he was really alive, he was really there. with me. i never told him that. but i think he knew. he i would kiss the spot over his chest and mutter phrases in italian to him, he would look at me. i think he knew then. i'm not sure if i miss him, but i know i miss what we had. the intimacy (i'm not talking the sex here. it was fantastic, but only a small part of a bigger picture) i miss more than anything. i will never take him back. nor regret my decision to break up with him. because he helped me wake up from my deep sleep. he taught me that a light touch is enough to ignite memories (my sensory memory is INCREDIBLE), or to say something that he couldn't say. ah, to have a conversation and never speak. it's good to be alive. it good to be alive and in this life. so tell me, can you taste the sunshine? can you feel the moon shine? has the wind whispered to you too? what song does it sing to you? what song is silently sung against your skin?

PT, flu, and other endeavours

2008-02-14T10:00:00.003-05:00

so i can take a deep breath without coughing (at ALL). my chest isn't all rattle-y any more, which is glorious. i'm still congested however, and taking my antibiotic (which makes me nausea, whether i have food on my stomach or not).

kinard from india accidentally took my cover yesterday during calc 2. but i was too lazy to meet him somewhere, and i wanted to piss mr. macinnis off because i hate him and i think he's a shitty leader/corporal. what's the point of shining hat brass if i'm not going to use it? eh? retarded. plus him and mr. currie just PTed a few of the boys last night because they were walking by and the two of them were bored. some of our fucking sophomores are dumb shits. our clerks this semester suck (the ones last year were so much better), most of our corporals are assholes, and huck finn is reaching new heights of gayness (no, really banana. he practical has sex with members of his gender). he sexually harasses the boys and the sophomores constantly, and our human affairs team has yet to actually rein his crazy ass in. since my lungs are feeling better, i'm down with having a PT test some time soon (the Zoo's got cancelled on wednesday because of the thunder storm, and has yet to be rescheduled). my cadre squad sgt is "taking" people to the old course if they want to go. ballin. we're all SMOKED. but he said we have to be careful about it, because he could get in a LOT of trouble for it, if he does it. he could get pulled for hazing, frat, and gross poor judgement, and various other things.

whatever, things are going alright. 2 more weeks in february, then it's march. where the first week will have president's inspection, then Corps Day, then guess what? spring breeeeak! then guess what comes after march? april 19.

we can see the light. fuck you sophomores. you've had your chins IN longer than they've been OUT.

delirium. and no, i don't mean the Cirque du Soleil act

2008-02-11T08:04:00.000-05:00

so i'm still completely delirious. i had some wacked out dreams/nightmares last night OMG. there was this one about these 2 vampires trying to drink one of my classmates blood and i was like "no! you can't have him!" and i pulled him into our room, then i woke up. it was pretty crazy. so uh, my appetite's still not back yet. in fact, it maybe receding due to mess hall food. i nearly threw up during mess today (was not feelin the whole scrambled, runny eggs thing, nor the instant cheese grits). YUCK. my tummy hurts. i was hot last night too. but then half way through, i remembered when the night nurse Pam wouldn't let me wear my sweatshirt because she wanted my skin to breathe. so i took off the sweatshirt, and i was fine (more insanity ensued). my cough sounds like a bronchitis cough now (which i'm told is not good). so i'm going to boil some water tonight/make myself some hot tea. i'm going to sneak gin in here, if it kills me. no no no, just kidding.... well sort of.... :D

palooza thinks that my crazy dreams are a side effect of the drugs (and an addled brain). i'm inclined to agree, on both accounts. i uh, think my tummy has a fever, from all the cold build up. i wish we could have jello. then i would be alright. but knobs aren't allowed to have jello. or orange juice. or anything that might actually mean that we won't get sick. bah! so i'm probably going to go take a nap. or maybe shine my shoes.

i'm not really dead, though i feel like it

2008-02-09T18:22:00.000-05:00

alright. so maybe i haven't posted in a bit. so let me bring you up to speed, kid...

first off, i really did think i was dying yesterday. SA said i moaned and made pain noises all night. come to find out that my fever was 103. who knew? thursday when i went to the infirmary my whole body was killing me (especially my ears and my head), and i just had a fever of 99. not so bad. i definitely slept from 1300-1700 on thursday, though. yeah, i was THAT tired. then i sleep all during ESP (well with the exception of going to check on sheaffer, because he had an upper respiratory infection, and mr. sebold making sure that we're making all the right decisions as far as the guard is concerned), then took a shower and went to bed. well at least tried to. the boys were acting like IDIOTS, i swear at least 20 of them came to our room within a half hour of me going to sleep. it was so irritating! SA even got angry. whatever. our boys are dumb. so SA gets up at 0500 to go sit guard, and tells me that i've been making noises all night and she thinks i have a fever (best roommate ever) and that i should go to the infirmary. well at first i wasn't going to go. but then the room started spinning and i felt mildly delirious, so i went. and of course mr. huckaby (the asshole) was yelling at me to run ("run washington!" knobs in PTs and ACUs have to run everywhere), which pissed me off cause i can barely see straight, or breath for that matter. then i get stopped in the front sally port and am told that i'm "shitting out" because i'm sick. yeah. right. did i ever go to the infirmary before when i had a cold or something? NOOOOooooo! why not? because i didn't feel like i was dying, i just felt tired. now, i'm spending my whole weekend at the infirmary because the barracks are a cesspool of diseases. the flu is going around the corps, and tango was the first to get it. now it's hit romeo. hopefully SA won't get it. but she gets enough sleep..... well so do i.... eh, hopefully she won't get it. dominic won't get sick, because she's immune to everything known to man. i won't be able to give blood for a while, because they have me on a decongestant, ibprofen/tylenol, and amoxicillin (i think i either have an upper respiratory infection or an ear infection; when i came in yesterday it felt like someone was stabbing my ear drum with a dull pair of scissors). my CO cares about me though. he asked if i felt better. well he also asked if we "gave mr. smedile a gay sugar cookie" which was true. only it wasn't a sugar cookies! it was lebkuchen (sp?) and it was a valentine's day bear shaped one that dom's mum sent her. he was like "oh really jacobson" (we got joeyto give it to him) and he was like "thank you girls...... jacobson." poor joey, thought he was going to get PTed for it. ah well. i'm better though. my fever broke, and i'm still stuck at the infirmary. my appetite is slowly coming back. but i brought books so i can do homework. i think palooza's bringing me pancakes tomorrow. but that's it. short and sweet for now

wow, things have been AMAZING

2008-02-04T14:17:00.000-05:00

that about sums it up. oh, don't think i'm going to give you some cheesy uber-short post, because that is certainly NOT going to happen. no no. but things so far have been amazing (other than the fact that i discovered that my military creases in my shirt are all dicked up). i'm going to have to go back and look at what i wrote last time to give an accurate update. but uh i'm lazy.

so! let's start with the week, it went by pretty quickly and i don't really remember much. oh! a week ago (i.e. last monday) we had regimental PT, which is always a joke (except for the "death run", more on that later). the stationary PT wasn't so bad, which is good. i'm a push up BEAST, unfortunately i'm not really motivated for the run, and i suck at sit-ups (but i can certainly do 150 crunches at any time). but i digress. so! during regimental PT wilson, one of our females, fell out of the run. it was a HORRIFIC run. mr. p (our CO) had been talking about how it was going to be "a death run", and everyone thought he was joking. he was not. we basically sprinted for a mile, and ran another mile. it was crazy, and motivating because i didn't fall out, i lagged behind a bit, but i didn't fall out. wilson, however, had not done PT since she quit soccer (in like october, or something). so she fell out, which was bad enough as is, but she also cut the parade deck. you have to realize, our school is based on a CLASS system that goes something like this: seniors are Gods (they can go WHERE EVER they want, in the front doors, across the quad, across the parade deck), juniors are humans (cut the quad), sophomores are humanoids (eh.... not much better than knobs), and knobs are scum. period. that's the hierarchy. our school also revolves around knobs and seniors, but more on that later. so the only people who have the privilege to cut the parade deck are SENIORS (second semester juniors can, but only after the regimental commander grants them that privilege). so her cutting the parade deck, shit all over the class of 08. romeo 2nd large was NOT happy (complete understatement). romeo has 5 senior females, 3 of which live in our 2nd large. and all of them hated wilson, because ms. d yelled at wilson to get off the parade deck, and she didn't (wilson, put her hood up, cut the parade deck, and ignored ms. d because that's the only way you could have NOT heard her). so yeah. wilson's life was getting fucked UP. she was the only one who had to pop off knob knowledge at lunch (we have the most chill mess EVER). and upperclassmen were finally seeing how much of a piece of shit she was. which is a shocker. she SUCKED as a knob, but whatever. so that was monday (and the rest of the week, for wilson).

parade AND spirit run got cancelled, so from 1400-1600 we had a douche detail (talk about gayest thing EVER, can you imagine a cluster fuck of about 20 knobs cleaning the quad and bracing. it's HORRIBLE). mr. smedile took over, of course, because whenever other people run it it's a GIANT cluster fuck, especially the sophomores (nothing against '10, because they're a banging class. we love our sophomores). but we did that, then had a shine party from 1600-1700. then they got sick of that, so we cleaned for SMI until 1800 (when we could FINALLY LEAVE...... *giant sigh*). so palooza, SA, and i all went to ms. c and ms. m's apartment (ms. d was there too. they LOVE us btw). they made us calzones, and palooza and i had bitch drinks (smirnoff ice. i had the vodka when i was younger..... i wanted to know what my grandfather was so interested in. i had a LOT. tangent. sorry) and margaritas on the rocks (ms. c might as well have given us tequila, because they were THAT strong). and all 6 of us watched the O.C. (which is FANTASTIC! where was i when this was on TV?), where palooza and i were slightly drunk. she kept missing her mouth when she was eating, and i had problems standing. they brought us back at 2200-ish, and SA and i cleaned until about 0100.

SMI went well. nothing on our room. i need to work on cleaning my rifle (i didn't take it apart this time), but i was blinging as far as being shined up was concerned. then palooza, her grandfather, and i all went downtown and ate pizza at the Mellow Mushroom. and after that my weekend was pretty chill...

oh! friday, no sunday. yeah sunday night during ESP palooza, dominic, and i are all hungry so we decide to order a pizza (from Papa John's, they people were ASSHOLES, but whatever) and dominic's senior mentor was going to go and get it. so we order a hawaiian pizza with no onions, parmesan bread sticks, and a 2L coke (when i told palooza that they didn't have mr. pibb she yelled "FUCKERS!!!" really loudly, and the woman taking our order heard her, i think. then i kept saying they were going to jizz in our pizza, because of her. "anybody seen the movie Waiting?"). then we locked the door, so the boys wouldn't come in and steal our food, sat down in the middle of their floor and acted like REAL college students. we had a giggle fest, we teased each other, we threw food.... it reminded me of was VG, mary, and i use to do (back when i was a real college student). we had so much fun. did i mention wilson quit? oh yeah. she was having family problems, so she left (we don't think that was the only thing though). she said she was going to come back. but i think that was a lie. she's not coming back.

well after having bagels and biscuits for breakfast, chinese food and a bagel sandwich, and pizza, coke, and parmesan bread sticks for dinner; PT this morning was SUCH a bitch. omg. all that grease completely killed me. holy shit. ugh. but afterwards, i was good. i recover pretty fast. woo. well it was the run that killed me. anyway, i've got to study for my linear algebra test tomorrow morning. which is going to be KILLER. i have a study session from 1830-2000 probably. it would be longer, but i have to tutor my squad sgt and our cadre platoon leader in chemistry. mr. smedile is so cute! dominic, palooza, and i all have cute knobby crushes on him :D

I'm a soldier now.

2008-01-25T20:39:00.000-05:00

so yeah, you read that right. i took the oath today and became "private first class washington". i go to basic (fo real fo real) this summer. i'm officially government property and officially a soldier. i'm also going to get TONS of shit from my upperclassmen because when romeo's females told them where palooza and i were they were like "what the fuck! why would they go and do that?! are you fucking serious?!". so we're going to get a lot of shit. palooza's piss wasn't good enough, though. we went on a run... well, let me tell you about it first.

so thursday during drill, palooza and i pack, because we have to leave by 1200. so at like 1120, we're out the battalion and headed to the national guard station. we get there, change into PTs (me) and civvies (palooza), get debriefed and are on our way. we went to Fort Jackson in columbia. columbia's such a shit hole, by the way. no personality. charleston's got personality, columbia's just a shit hole. anyway, we get there, take our ASVAB test (we were at the base from like 1400-ish until 1800-ish), then head out to the hotel. well palooza and i obviously room together and we acted like fat asses and ran to Waffle House. but afterwards we went on a light run. we got up at about 0400 in the morning, got ready, had breakfast then headed back to base. i got sworn in (through MUCH waiting and a HUGE cluster fuck), but palooza didn't because she had protein in her urine (diet and exercise related). so she has to go BACK, which is ridiculous. oh! and did i mention that i'm getting 9 grand for school. oh, and i'm not going to be considered a south carolina resident even though I JOINED FUCKING SOUTH CAROLINA'S NATIONAL GUARD!!! you know what $9000 does for my now OUT OF STATE tuition? it just fucking pisses me off! $9000 into $30,000 is not going to cover anything! and then mum says that i'm going to not be a dependent now because i joined the army, which means Duke may not pay me the $7000. which means i'm fucked because the guard is fucking me over and i've only been a soldier for..... what? like 5 hours, almost 6? fucking insane. but it's good that palooza's not going to get fucked over like i am. thank god her dad's a colonel, so she can get him to pull rank and get her her money. i'm going to get fucked over until i murder someone. which i will do. we have drill next month.

i'm excited to be a soldier though. SO excited, you have no idea. i can't wait to go to basic. i'm sooo excited, but it just sucks that i'm going to go in debt (not nearly as insanely though). but i'm tired 0400 is early when you went to bed at 2300. ugh

:D

2008-01-23T08:22:00.000-05:00

alright. nothing spectacular has happened... yet. other than the usual (my senior mentor, our human affairs officer, and her roommates freaking out that i signed with the guard and that SA is afraid of jaco--one of the lovely romeo ladies referred to him as "a skinny little shit"). oh! and ehiles opened up to us (SA, DS, palooza, wilson, the preknob, and i) about what happened to him and his girlfriend knob year. ehiles is so adorable! he thought that DS really had a problem, like a serious problem. which we both did (boy issues, por supesto), and when i was like "talk to him about steve" her response? "fuck steve" i love dominic! she's so hilarious. anyway, we thought it was sweet that he opened up to us.

smedile came in for chemistry help last night, and i worry that i won't be able to help him, or i'll make his grade go down in chemistry. which would SUCK. and i'd feel really bad. i don't know, i guess i help him out. i mean, he doesn't complain, you know? and he says that he must have done really well on the final because his grade went up in chemistry. don't wait too late mr. smedile!! he also kept smiling the entire time. did i mention we're making him cookies? and that we all have a crush on him, because he's sooo adorable? i hope him and that tango senior get together. they'd be so cute!! OMG, sooo cute. a lot of romeo either dates or is friends with tango females. eh. tango and romeo are pretty close. one of theirs is our CO. oh! speaking of which KS keeps talking shit about how he salutes him "all the way" because he's a tango officer, but in romeo. i'm like gaaaay! he's OUR fucking CO! he's not a tango officer. argh. eh, we argued about it for a good 10 minutes. then did whatever

so boot camp, for sure this summer. 9 weeks under the hot burning, georgia sun. bahhhh. it's either super cold or super hot for boot camp. not anywhere breeze or anything like that. it sucks. at least i'll be able to lean how to shoot though. palooza and i are going to boot camp, WMG's going, er... shuey's going (national guard, marines, coast guard). it's pretty exciting. well, i'm excited. eh, but that's not much for an update. nothing's really happened. i'm going to have to document this weekend (DS and palooza's birthday celebration :D) and when palooza and i go to our MESEPs thing thursday to friday. both should be interesting (no douche detail, no drill, no parade...... paradise)

2008-01-21T00:48:00.000-05:00

when i updated on monday, we were going to get one of chris's friends to bring us food, but it fell through. which irritated me because i didn't want to eat mess hall food.

yesterday, DS, palooza, and i end up NOT going out because the two of them (DS mainly) wanted to go and chill with corps squad. which i didn't want to do (exact words: "i don't really want to hang out with corps squad". all they do is drink, party and have sex. i got that out of my system when i was their age. plus it makes me feel old whenever i'm around them). so i got irritated because cameron asked me if i wanted to go out to dinner, which i did but was like "no i can't because i told DS and palooza i would go out with them. the whole situation was irritating. i was hungry, didn't have civvies didn't want to hang out with corps squad, and really just wanted to do take out and have cameron come to my room (with the food of course) and just watch movies until my all-ins. but no. they needed a ride. i don't know. i just thought it was stupid. but whatever. they'll understand how idiotic some of the things they do now are, when they grow up. like i did.

today, we went to breakfast at ihop with 2 papa knobs. it was a lot of fun. palooza forgot she owes me pancakes, but i'm not worried about it. i had to cancel the cab, because apparently the boys called one of their dads (he's a local) to come and get him. which irritated me further because we had to wait 15 minutes for him to come, when the cab was on his way. i told my mum i wasn't doing that again, because i thought it was ridiculous. Blade has my number, so he could have called and told me, but he didn't. but whatever. i'm getting more and more irritated by everything. i'm getting tired of fucking moody upperclassmen. our cadre platoon sgt has more fucking periods than any of us combined. jesus, get over yourself. and the sophomores who don't do shit (nor do they know shit) telling us what to do. guess what stupid sophomore? you've had your fucking chin IN longer than it's been OUT, so why don't you shut the fuck up and brace bitch. seriously, this BVA shit is getting to me too. i'm just not going to be in the battalion any more. i'm tired of all this shit. i won't miss formations or sweep detail, but i certainly won't be around anymore. our BVAs can suck my left nut. it's ridiculous! they're going to PT the shit out of us, because they've been getting smoke on a daily basis for months. i didn't ask you to BVA. no one in our company TOLD you to do it. get over yourself. you're not hot shit. in fact, Mr. S is hated by all of the seniors, most of the juniors and sophomores. sucks to be a fatty body hyped up on your own importance, doesn't it? whatever, man. the junior class are a bunch of shit heads. i can't wait for the knobs next year. company salute? yeah right. i'm going to haze the shit out of them, if they fucking salute to our poor excuse for a junior class.like 2 out of the 9 of them are cool. that's it. (there may be 11, because 2 juniors this year, knobbed last year).

maybe i've just been getting pissed off recently with all the BS going on. whatever. 2 and a half months, and no more of this shit. i'm suppose to chill with cameron tomorrow, but i don't think we will. oh! he showed me around CfC's campus, and they have historical houses and buildings for their dorms, academic, and administrative buildings! if i was a different kind of girl, i would have gone there. but i'm not. but their campus is still beautiful. i want to take summer classes there, cause that would be sooo cool. not this summer though. but eventually. anyway, i'm done being pissed off i guess. i haven't done any homework. and i'm starving. i've got to figure out a way to budget my money so i don't end up starving like this. take out food is expensive when you don't have a job. haha, i never realized it until i discovered i don't have a job. ah well. the national guard will be my job after while.

rainy day go away

2008-01-19T17:08:00.000-05:00

it's raining. and FREEZING here (which is a frosty 45 degrees). it rained last friday, and for 2 days earlier this week, now it's raining again. so the boys (Joey, Chris, The New Yourker :), Kirk (a tango knob) and craig) were in our room until.... 0300? and we were soo loud that the TAC could here from first division in the front sally port (he told us to close the door). i took pictures (some of which would get us all expelled), recorded our antics, and sung happy birthday to SA (she went to bed at like 0100 or 0130, whereas the boys didn't leave until 0300). DS (Dom) and palooza were in here too, craig left early because he was INCREDIBLY drunk. Chris left shortly before joey. so it was kirk, DS, palooza, TNW, and i all up talking about sex (palooza doesn't understand how giving a guy head can be a mutual thing. i had to explain, through much blushing. 69 is not the answer, because it's impractical and ends up being one-sided), what happened that night (the boys went to craig's apartment to get drunk and play circle of death), and anything we could think of. it was a lot of fun. i didn't wake up until like 1330-ish, right as SA was leaving to go and watch the basketball game. she asked me if i was going, and i started laughing. palooza, DS, and i are all suppose to be going to the Mellow Mushroom (maybe with TNW--he woke up at 1500, and the other boys left at 0700) for dinner around 1800--as soon as DS's done with punishments. i'm starving. we were going to order a pizza to the battalion and then go down and pick it up, because no one wants to walk in the rain and cold to the locker room. but we're just going to go out..... in the rain and the cold. hahaha

so smedile was quad surfing last friday, he wasn't naked quad surfing (confirmed, because DS asked him if he was naked quad surfing). oh! so i think that palooza, DS, and i have little knobby crushes on smedile, because he's spectacular. it makes me laugh. we asked him if we could make him a valentines and he said no. then i asked him if we could make him cookies, and he said "you know what i would like some cookies". then i asked him if he wanted slice and bake, and he shook his head, laughed, and left. we're sooo making him homemade cookies! i'm excited. palooza, DS, and i all want to get an apartment together. i told palooza, i'd make her real egg rolls, and real spring rolls. she wants me to teach her how to make a cheesecake, and i want her to teach me how to make Czech and German cookies (pastries, sweets, you get the idea).

i'm going to boot camp this summer, i'm excited and i'm not. because i need to save friggin 4 grand to go to tokyo (at least 3 grand, you know?). and my whole summer is going to be like knob year, all over again. which i guess is cool cause i want to join the guard, but i would much rather work and take organic over the summer. because it would make my senior year easier. maybe i'll just take more classes my junior year, that way thing will still be okay. and i can take "Crap Classes" to fill the credit hours my senior year. classes are going well. i have to stay awake better in my linear algebra class, though.

so i definitely got into a bit of a disagreement with my sister over me joining th guard. it irritated me that both her and mum were being dumb. but mum's off my case now, which is cool. and well, i tried talking to banana earlier today about the new macbook air, and she completely blew me off, so fuck her. whatever, she'll get un-mad after while and things can go back to normal and i won't be irritated about it anymore. eh. whatever.

i hate rainy days. and summers. because it reminds me of him. but that's starting to pass. i hardly think of him any more. grant it when i do, it's hard to block it out of my mind, in which case, i go to chris's room and harass him until he gets irritated with me, which is rare but it does happen, or he comes to my room (his timing is amazing) and irritates me/makes me smile until i forget. now i must go. what a dreary and miserable day. but the memories of this place will brighten anything, ya know? oh! so i've been listening to incubus a lot lately, and their song "Quicksand" has this line in it i absolutely love (i also couldn't think of anyway else of telling someone with out sounding insane): "Some people fall in love and touch the sky/Some people fall in love and find quicksand/I hover somewhere in between...... I swear/I can't make my mind...."

lovely. and incredibly ironic

it's cold :(

2008-01-14T18:26:00.000-05:00

so it does get cold in my beloved city. fuuuuck. cold here doesn't mean the same thing as the north east coast's cold. but it's enough to where i shiver and have a head cold. oh. have i mentioned that? i was INCREDIBLY sick this weekend. i felt like shit the whole time. i was lethargic, grumpy, had a massive headache, couldn't breathe properly, throat was sore, and went from varying degrees of hot and cold. it's was horrible. but i called my mum on saturday (after i ate chinese and watched March of the Penguins, of course) and she told me i had a head cold, going in to a chest cold and that i should take tylenol. tylenol is like a god-send. oh it was wonderful after i took it. unfortunately i knocked out, and didn't wake up to take it in the middle of the night, so when i woke up the next morning i felt like shiiit until i took it, then i was pretty good until it started wearing off again. i'm feeling better after having PT. plus i think that i could get a check for $700 this thursday if i pass the army PT test, so i'm excited. my motivation i friggin $700. WOO!

so i'm going to kill my roommate. i had PT this morning at like 0545, and she had to be out of the battalion before 0530, because she had to sit guard. and guess what time i had to kick CW out? fucking 0243 IN THE MORNING!!! okay, i'm not corps squad and i'm not going to sleep during the day, so i need to sleep at night. so from now on, i'm just going to say "go to well's room". because i can't deal with this shit. it's crazy. she stays up all night, then wonders why she sleeps in class. i wonder why. her birthday's today, though. i'm definitely going to kick her AND CW out. i don't even talk to him that much any more, so fuck that. but yeah, i'm going to the basketball game anyway, because they have food, and palooza and i are hungry. speaking of which i have to go get her. more on today, later today

Naked Quad Surfing, and Other Adventures

2008-01-12T22:06:00.000-05:00

alright, so this weekend romeo has guard, we have an SMI, and of course it's a closed weekend. so friday's douche detail was soooo moto (read: motivating) because the sophomores were like "knobs we want you to sound off as loudly and abnoxiously as you can! wake up all the upperclassmen who are sleeping, knobs!" so we did. then we lost our voices. but i digress. we have formal guard mount at 1500, and then took over guard from f-troop (the assholes...), so after we were done with the second douche detail after parade practice, i had to sit guard. i was in 3rd sitting from 1800-2100 for CR cause he had to go and do stuff (he also came to relieve me at 2100, and was drunk. i'm sure that was fun. but he brought me a burrito, so i don't care. BURRITOS ARE MOTIVATING! :D). so when i come back, i stop by 4th large to talk to them, since everyone's cleaning their rooms and stuff. i make fun of JM ("aww, my name's JM and i'm a whiny little bitch. wa wa waaaa!!" hilarious. we're going to make him brace as a sophomore. but my platoon sgt is actually GOING to do it). anyway, i go back to my room, change in to PTs, and start straightening thing up a bit. well i have to pee, so i leave to go use the women's 4th division bathroom in tango and it's POURING outside. shock. it's rains all the time here. so i come back to my room, music blaring, windows open, big light off, and i'm dancing and cleaning. well palooza, DS and LW all run into my room and i'm like "wtf?" until DS screams "they're quad surfing!"

and so they are. tango has about 8-10 upperclassmen who are wearing just their PT shorts and they've plugged up the drain in tango and are QUAD SURFING. only the bestest, most funnest game in the WORLD. it's like a giant slip-n-slide you don't have to clean up--what more could you want? so we all have the door open and are crowded around it watching as the upperclassmen in tango, and now november too) are quad surfing. the zoo is lined up a long the galleries watching, soooo hilarious. they're diving and slipping, and running and diving towards tango's letter. keep in mind it's still pouring outside and it's about 50 degrees outside and they're wet with no socks, shoes, or shirts. yeeeah. and they look like little kids, whose mum's have let them loose barreling toward a huge mud puddle wearing all white. then someone gets soap, which makes the now 12 inches of water that much more fun. well the TACs are about, and technically because they don't have their shirts on, it's sexual harassment, so they TACs make the Romeo 4th battalion guard team announce "attention to orders, attention to orders. cadets quad surfing are asked to put their shirts back on and get off the quad immediately. say again, put your shirts on and no more quad surfing...... sorry guys". well needless to say the Zoo starts RIOTING, the noise was nearly deafening (at this point, LP vacates, and wilson not long after). everyone knows you don't tell The Zoo not to do something, what the fuck are you thinking? so in retaliation, the boys (upperclass tango boys) start quad surfing NAKED. that's right ladies and gents, we have about 8 streakers. now this is some funny shit. because now the noise in the zoo IS deafening, you can't even hear yourself think we're so excited (and therefore are rioting) that they're giving the TACs the finger, you know? so the night TAC (who is the one who issued the order, Zoo TACs know better than to tell us no. but we also respect them enough to know when to do what), starts walking over to tango (after the streaking started, november began quad surfing for a little bit, then it tapered off) and all the tango streakers quad surf one more time, then sprint to tango and up the stairs--into relative safety and away from nasty white slips. can't catch them if you don't know who they are, right? there are a loooot of rooms in the zoo... so everything quites down (though the quad is still flooded) and voskovitch (a romeo senior) dawns a shako and robe and nothing else. he then streaks across the quad. what makes it even funnier, is that voskovitch is a large man (read: fat body), which made him streaking all the more sweeter. plus he ran into romeo, which meant i had Grade A view of voskovitch cock. hilarious! needless to say, i'm sure that 2nd battalion heard us after that (3rd and RSB always complain that we're too loud, but they're our neighbors and 3rd is our partner in crime when screaming "ARRRRRRIIIIIIIIGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" out the windows after 2300 all-ins).

in addition, i ordered chinese food. like a shit ton. i got some for palooza, DS, and i. and i may bring them breakfast in the morning, but who knows. i also talked to my mum and had her laughing for a solid 5 minutes about the naked quad surfing. sooo hysterical. i love it here. on a side note, i definitely am coming down with something. probably a head cold. and on a funny not, mum was going to suggest that maybe i should boil water or something because it was too dry. i then replied, "mum it poured yesterday. and i also live in charleston. so i think it's pretty humid, you know?" she laughed at her mistake, which made me smile. but that's all i have. i have a tylenol calling to me as well as sunday morning breakfast planning :P

2008-01-10T17:13:00.000-05:00

false alarm, i don't have a crush on CR. perhaps a passing fancy? nearly punched him in the face earlier. moron. stupid boys. i have sooo much homework and if i have to cheer one more time for the stupid f-ing BVAs, i'm going to kill someone.

and the song "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce is playing right now. guess who it reminds me of? hahaha. DOG. sucks to date substandard women (or should i say girls? since she's 17?) now, doesn't it? sucks for youuu :D

:D another day

2008-01-10T12:32:00.000-05:00

so nothing really major happened yesterday except for my roommate's alarm clock going off at 0545, and she wasn't even here. bahhh! corps squad roommates=not so much fun. and the she missed weights this morning because i got up at 0415 and had to pee and i accidentally locked the door. oh well, i don't really mind because it means i actually got some sleep instead of listening to her and wells move around in the morning. i kind of want to live with palooza and DS, but then could we get rid of the extra set of stuff? hmmm. i'm not sure. but SA definitely doesn't clean for SMIs, or commandant's or anything like that, at all, so i thought that it was karma that her alarm clock went off when i happened to lock the door (wells comes and gets her in the morning and they walk to the locker room together). karma! HA! maybe now you should fucking clean, eh? and she found out that i didn't clean up the pig sty she left her freaking bed and desk in when she KNEW we had MRIs because Juul-Hindsgaul announced it during formation. but whatever. i'm tired of being a maid, she'll get her shit together or find out what happens when you piss me off.

but on to the real reason of my latest entry/adventure. so our cadre platoon sgt, likes to joke with upperclassmen, so he takes one of the juniors covers and starts walking towards oscar with it. well i happen to be walking by when the juniors like "hey knob, can you get that hat for me?" well huck finn*, hands me the hat and says "run atom*! go! run!" so i run towards oscar and the junior chases me (keep in mind i'm trying not to laugh the whole time), well he gives up when it's obvious that he's not going to catch me. so i about-face and walk back to romeo and Bryan walks up and i give him the hat then huck finn goes "Bryan run up to fourth!" we were on 2nd division, and huck finn was restraining the junior. omg. absolutely hilarious. this game goes on for a good 10 minutes, and then the junior finally gets his cover back. hahaha, cracks me up.

man, it's so beautiful here. LW the Marine Girl, talks about when we're upperclassmen, just going to WLI field an just chillin in the sun and enjoying the beautiful day. i'm going to do my homework out side when we're upperclassmen. in the shade though, since the SC sun is pretty brutal. in my MLTY 102 class, i met this girl ummm Danielle (??), she's a band knob and hates female corps squad. especially volleyball. keep in mind, the volleyball team are just sluts. they've had sex with the tennis team and most of the baseball team, and they'll make out with anything with a penis. keep in mind faternizing between the knob class and upperclass and get you kicked out of school, and the volleyball girls FUCKED upperclass tennis guys. WTF. SA and mclamb from lima are the only ones who don't make out with people and have sex with everything that moves all the time. it's ridiculous. i kind of agree with danielle, because SA never comes back after breakfast whether her stuff is clean or not, she always goes on general leave on fridays (when the track and soccer corps squad come back to help us), she never cleans the room for fucking SMIs or commandant's even when i ask her politely. whatever, though. she's coming back on friggin friday, and she's going to clean shit because i'm not going to let her sleep. i can be really cool, as long as you don't fuck with me. well there were originally 36 romeo knobs, now we have 34 knobs which isn't half bad. we've had one female and one male quit. hock quit before winter furlough, but finished his exams. oltz didn't even bother to fucking come back. no one liked her though. at least none of the boys liked her, i thought she was irritating sometimes, none of the upperclassmen liked her and it's all because she looked like a man/needed to shave. but oh well. those people who are here, deserve to be here, you know? well, the baseball knobs don't deserve to be here, but whatever. and kling doesn't either. maybe i do hate corps squad. they never doing anything worth while, other than shit out. i like DS, because she's here whenever she doesn't have practice or weights. she does sweep detail, she'll do parade and spirit run with us. SA, the baseball knobs, the football knobs, and the basketball knobs have never done anything of the sort. nor will they ever. track is with us most of the time too.

anyway, after falling asleep on my key board, i'm going to do homework, now that i've wasted an hour. oh well we have about 3 and a half hours before sweep detail, so at least i'll get the stuff due tomorrow done.

Zoo Life

2008-01-08T21:33:00.000-05:00

every wonder what it's like to live in a zoo? yes, well, i actually live in a zoo. not the type with animals, mind you, but one with oh about 385 guys (out of about 400 people). so it's like a zoo with all the wild animals and such. well last night, we had leave until 2330 or until whatever football game was over. so Smiling Arizona goes to bed at about..... 2130-ish, and i update my blog and go to bed at about 2300. well 2400 rolls around and it sounds like someone is rioting outside. well not someone per se, perhaps about 40 or 50 upperclassmen who are incredibly drunk and excited (i guess). they make so much noise it's impossible to even hear myself think. keep in mind that the door is closed, our window is open, and i'm trying to drown out the incredible RIOT that is happening in 4th battalion's quad. it goes on until about 0130. no doubt. after that there are sporadic bouts of yelling, then no more. so not only that, but our i-like-to-talk-about-how-very-NOT-gay-i-am platoon sgt woke both SA and i up to do all-ins. even the SOPHOMORES don't do that! it's rude and absolutely ridiculous. what a dick head.

the day was uneventful. it was full of debriefings and formations, but other than that nothing really special. soares takes his job as clerk seriously, which is good. our last clerks we a bit well lax in their duties to be the company's bitches. ah well. hahaha, i don't think there will be clerks next semester because none of the boys who were going to roach are actually going to roach. so there probably won't be any clerks. unless palooza and i step up. but my GPA's not high enough, which is gay. but i'm going to pull it up. gold stars this semester baby yeeeah!

classes start tomorrow. i'm pretty excited. i've got to get everything done for tomorrow one today, so i'm not leaving anything and i'm all shined up. SA is irritating me though, i've got my half and full press and my desk looking shit hot, but she hasn't really cleaned her shit up. and we have an SMI this weekend, which means she probably won't be here because she doesn't even have a rifle. fuuuck. we still have to dust on fucking thursday, so on friday i won't be frantic (she won't come back until 2358 on friday, leave ends at 2400). i just want her to get off facebook/the internet/her computer and clean. we've had 2 SMIs, and commandant's inspection and i've cleaned EVERYTHING by myself. well with commandant's she helped by doing her half press and the sink and her desk. but the biggest thing is DUSTING. argh!! i'm going to hide her internet cord tomorrow. anyway, i'm bout to shine then get ready to shower.

"take me to the place i love..."

2008-01-07T22:23:00.000-05:00

i'm back in charleston! i've missed it more than i thought. i tried updating it yesterday, but it was not to be. i love it here. and i'll probably end up spending the rest of my life here, after i'm done with the national guard/get settled.

the smell of charleston's air; it smells free, like the ocean, but more grounded--it's a heavenly thing. riding to this mexican joint in west ashley--the windows down, the sun smiling (because as any person from charleston will tell you, the sun almost never frowns on our city), the marsh breeze, the scent of freedom and dreams. it's a glorious thing, a heady thing; a beautiful thing. riding on the bus downtown with palooza, passing all the old run down southern houses, the former plantation houses, the houses in repair. our city's filthy and old, but it does everything with character, with flair. i'm proud of my city. we walk down town, on meeting st headed towards king street, and she and i see all of these College of Charleston (CFC) people, and i laugh. "don't you just wish you went to CFC, palooza?" haha, she answers me sarcastically, "oh yeah." we're a part of charleston's history. WE are. no one else. yes, that bum on the corner is a apart of her character, but not of her HISTORY. we, as citadel cadets, get stopped all the time. people talk to us, go out of their way to be nice to us; charlestonians are proud of us. so as we're headed back to school, after our meal and stroll downtown, we pass by houses, streets, people, things, that are all charleston. they don't have this anywhere else. not in greensboro, not in maryland, not in DC, nor in virginia. no. charleston. even now, typing with the window open, i can hear the sounds of our city; fire truckers, ambulances, the bus, upperclassmen making noise (i do live in The Zoo, you know), everything. everything in the city is so beautiful, so free.

some people think the citadel is just really another type of handcuffs. but where else can you leave your book bag in a building and come back hours later to find it hasn't moved? or been messed with? where else can you go where the consequence of lying is expulsion? i feel safer here than i do in my home town. we sleep with the windows open, with our door unlocked, we get dressed with the door unlocked. we never lock our door. i've never been happier here. not with WT, not with my friends in greensboro (though i do miss them), not anywhere else but this archaic institute, with its fraternity-like rules. i never want to leave. hopefully nothing will change as i get older, but you can't be sure. i love this life that i have chosen. i love this path. is this what it means to be happy? why does it feel as if i were never this happy? no more doubts. no more looking back at my first love and my former life. this is what i am. THIS is who i am.

i've never been freer.

i've never been more in love.

so the count down begins...

2008-01-02T20:33:00.000-05:00

so it's wednesday, and i'm due back in charleston on sunday. i'm looking forward to it and i'm not looking forward to it. i love my freedom that i have now. i don't have to brace, i don't have to sound off, i don't have to do any of the shit that we have to do. but i want to go back because it's my home, and i love it there.

but luckily VG, a few other friends, and i are all going to go to tokyo. but if we don't save enough money (me being the main one who won't be able to), i wanted to go surfing. so VG said that we could go to california and go surfing. i was thinking hawaii, but she's got family in CA so i''m down with a free room and board. hahaha, maybe we could fly from tokyo to CA, that would be soooo cool. hahaha. and so much money. talked to WT today. was very weird. he IMed me probably because he was bored. and we talked about nothing. i told him i'm giving him his clothes back, he said he didn't want them back. actually his exact words were "would it be weird if i said i didn't want them back?" i didn't understand, so i told him that i couldn't wear them, so why should i keep them? so friday's the day. then i think i'm going to lunch with Dawn. i haven't talked to her in a bit. well in a looong time. and she's never called or anything like that, so it should be interesting because i don't really consider her a friend any more. but whatever. then again i never called her either. but oh well.

haha, i'm excited about going places summer of '09. but i maye have to go to basic, which would be sooo gay. but then again, if i can get an internship then, i may be able to earn like 2-5 grand doing much of nothing (even though i'm still going to be working in the Cafe. have i mentioned that? that Joy and Mandy said i could have my job back?). so this summer i'm going to work at borders, take organic, and possibly get a restaurant/bar tending job. so i can earn money then. and during the school year i'll get money from the national guard. so hopefully i can earn about 5 grand. then we can go to tokyo and CA. or maybe i can just buy a bunch of shit in tokyo. who knows? anyway VG is one the phone cause Short Stuff's being insane again. the dynamics of those two, is hilarious.

holy shit, i just had an epiphany

2007-12-31T17:58:00.000-05:00

so i've just realized i have a crush on CR. CR. AM. I. ON. CRACK?! shit, i can't believe this. but i'm going to ignore it, because he's like my best friend at the citadel, and i don't want to fuck that up. but oohmygod whatthefuck is WRONG with me?? uuuugh!! why's my life so insane? why does it have so much drama in it? why am i so FUCKING passionate? why am i such a dreamer? what happened to being a realist? where nothing was complicated and nothing hurt? *sigh*

morning breath has never tasted so free

2007-12-30T13:13:00.000-05:00

so christmas was fantastic, nothing really happened. i got everything that i needed, which is good because i don't really need civvies, like the rest of the world, you know? but i got books, this Twilight series is absolutely fantastic. i love it! i can hardly put the books down, hahaha. i haven't gotten my shoes (my low-quarters) for school, which is okay. i'll spend all of one day shining brass/blitzing it, then i'll spend the next working on shoes, so that they look shit hot, you know? i've got tons of left over cookies for the boys (some of the kind of broke though....) but that's okay. i need to give Matty some cookies, but i'm not sure where he is now. my sister is at a wedding in NYC today, and she lost all of the clothes that she brought with her, which isn't a shock, but that was definitely like $500 worth of clothes.

WT's mum wants me to go and see them, but i'm a bit reluctant because well, i don't really want to see him. i've noticed that whatever i say to him, i completely forget it from then to the next time i talk to him. probably because i don't really give a shit what i say to him, you know? i think i'm doing pretty good in that department. which is not to be confused that i'm completely over him, but my chest doesn't hurt as much when i think about what he and i use to do together, you know? that's why i hate it here so much, because everything reminds me of him. before he was always in the front of my mind, now he's in the back; like someone talking while you're reading--background noise. i'd probably get over him completely if i could stop the dreams from coming, well they're nightmares now, but if i could stop them coming it would help. it would also help if i could get twin 4 year old boys with blue eyes out of my fucking head. i told my aunt that i dream of twin boys, but honestly, what kids am i going to have? i have to keep thinking that, because the only thing the triggers the pain are the nightmares and laughing little boys with blue eyes. but it's like a dull roar. i've found that if i keep myself busy, it makes the pain a little bit less. i day dream too, haha. as soon as i can friggin STOP day dreaming--or dreaming period--i'll feel better.

there was this guy (who was really cute, i might add) at the Cafe and he hit on me and i never called him back. but i still have his number, maybe i should give him a call? i'm not sure. hahaha, i've never had to call men before. but i also think it's unfair for him to be the rebound guy. because being rebound is no fun, because you could potentially really care about someone, only to find out you were a means to an end. as i found out. so maybe i'll call him and keep it strictly friends only. but can i do that? who knows. i'm stronger than this! why is my one weakness my ability to forgive? my ability to love so absolutely? it's so absurd! argh! it doesn't do anything but hurt me. so why? why? why am i this way? there's no way i can go back to my former existence, knowing how great it feels to be in love--how fantastic it is to be alive. but i don't really feel like putting forth the effort only to be shot down. perhaps someone would help me repair this broken heart, but right now it doesn't seem like a worthy endeavour. but this is a learning experience.

i've got to STOP going to bed at 0400 and waking up at 1300. it's not good, because getting backing into "The Citadel routine" will completely massacre me. plus i can't remember the last time i did a set of push ups. we have to do 30 next semester instead of the 20 we do every time we're on line. have mentioned that Fall Out Boy's "What's This?" from the Nightmare Before Christmas is fucking amazing. hahaha, i'm losing my mind, that's what's playing in iTunes right now. and that's my cue for a soy hot chocolate and Eclipse. i think i have a head and chest cold... which sucks. but shit happens. be good, i know i will be ;-)

christmas eve

2007-12-24T22:41:00.000-05:00

it doesn't really feel like christmas eve. where's my holiday spirit? probably back in charleston where the rest of me is. my grandmother asked me if i was going to live in north carolina (we were talking about which veggies would grow where) and i said no, i was going to live in south carolina. or georgia. maybe even virgina, but not my home state. i want to live somewhere where my backyard will be FIELDS, not a fenced in half acre. i want to GROW the veggies i use, not go to the farmer's market and buy them. i want to live in an old southern house, with lots of plant, animals, and kids. i want to be the free spirit that i am, because i don't want to be smothered anymore. ha. i want to fall in love. and make new memories of someone who is worth something.

on a side note, birth control is the bane of my exsistence. well that and laziness. i've gained SOOO much weight since i've been on break. after this week, i have one more week then i go back. i need to do my brass, shine some shoes, learn more knob knowledge, and PT. but i'll be able to do it (hopefully). anyway, merry christmas

la mia nuova vita

2007-12-23T19:15:00.000-05:00

you know when i saw Gimpy last thursday afternoon, she told me something that made me think. it was after i brought her up to a hasty speed on the situation with WT, still no tears i want to add. but she said something insightful (as she's prone to do at random times): "Well it'll never really work, will it? I mean, you have a new life. And it's different from the one you use to have with WT." i smiled, as i'm prone to do, and just said "Yeah. Things are different than they were before." i love Gimpy, she makes my life. but it IS unfortunate that it would never work with WT. did i mention i kissed him? i wouldn't have if he hadn't bloody walked me to my car, the moron. and well, there was no sparkle. just memories, behind that so soft and sad kiss. but that won't be happening any more. he seems to think that when he's ready we'll get back together. he's wrong. i won't have my heart broken by a piece of filth any more. BUT i will still ake stuff for his parents, seeing as how i love them. and i do. i think they're absolutely wonderful, if not very good at raising their son. but on to other endeavours

so i think VG and i are going to Tokyo the summer of.....2009. i've already priced stuff, and i think we'll be able to do it. only problem is, i may not be able to go to Germany and go to Japan, so i may just go to Japan.

i miss El Cid. a lot more than i think i should. things are so much simpler there and my path is clear. here, with civilians every where, i'm unsure. that and everything these idiot civilians do is COMPLETELY inefficient. banana and i spent six fucking hours shopping! SIX! if it's not all in one area and doesn't take 2 hours or under, why are you doing it? i loathe shopping. ugh. there was this guy, i believe is name was james, and we went on a date and he kept asking me what i liked/disliked, my hobbies, etc. well once i started talking he interrupted me and asked "don't you do anything that other girls do? don't you like anything.... girly?" truthfully i was embarrassed that i didn't like to do anything "girly". now, i realize i was just too perfect for him. which is why he never had a second date. nor a return phone call. maybe i was too much. no! there's nothing wrong with me! anyway, i don't think that i'm going to be coming back to greensboro unless i can't help it (even though, i'm actually in MD right now....). CR asked me "when are you coming home?" i didn't even think twice about home being anywhere but charleston. i certainly don't belong in the concrete jungle and cold of DC and MD. haha, i need sunshine and smiling faces. i miss the smell of charleston. of course when i got there it was more like a stench, but once you get use to it everything else is what smells bad. i miss everything about it. i hate the way people don't hold the door for you or act like you don't exist. i hate how everyone is in such a rush with their stupid fucking cellphones, the fucking itenaries, and their goddamn blackberries. who gives a shit? it's all so trivial.

baking

2007-12-18T13:59:00.000-05:00

you know, i love to bake. i can't get enough of it, which may be why i want an apartment in Charleston so badly. not only do we get substandard food, but we also do not get to cook (which is blasphemy). so whenever i come home, i bring it upon myself to bake. and by bake i mean today, on the menu, i have: a cinnamon cheesecake with a candied walnut topping, chocolate (not to be mistake for chocolate chip) spritz cookies, peanut butter spritz cookies, and oatmeal-cranberry walnut cookies (the chocolate and peanut butter cookies are going through this new/never used cookie press i found, SO excited).

cooking is my Zen time, it helps me relax, as i have discovered. can't wait until i start making pastries or start baking bread. THAT would be wonderful, haha. i wanted to make a christmas log (Buch du Noel; it's like a big pretty swiss cake roll) this christmas and give it to somebody, but i'm making so many damn cookies that i didn't have time.

nostalgia

2007-11-27T19:09:00.001-05:00

ahhh. so The Zoo is loud today, with holiday cheer. why? because Romeo and Tango are in a lights competition, and Tango's upperclassmen are making them sound off christmas carols. now this competition started, because romeo started putting up lights and they looked better than tango's pathetic looking lights, so they got jealous. and now they have a TON of lights (keep in mind our knobby platoon sgt spent $300 on lights, and we had to pay him back...), and they're starting to look better than us. they stole ideas from us, like outlining their letter in lights... yeah that was a romeo creation. bastards. anyway, we both look shit hot (but romeo looks better). a lot of companies haven't even started on their lights yet, which sucks cause they're going to have do it during their exams and it takes a LONG time. especially when you have a pre-madonna like mr. huckaby (knobby platoon sgt).

not much of an update, merely talkin smack about tango (november hasn't put any of their lights up yet, and oscar barely has any). oh! CR's going to cut down a christmas tree on sunday, which should be pretty damn funny. ummmm i have a test in chemistry tomorrow, AND test corrections due. i'll probably do the test corrections first and then ummmm study....? sit, i have a TON of math homework. bah! in both math classes too! do i have a quiz in calc 2? i think so, not that it matters, though. i BELIEVE i'm going to NOT pass calc 2, which is absurd because i got a B last time i took calc 2. gay. anyway, i've got to tutor NG and get started on my homework.

i'm back!

2007-11-26T14:49:00.000-05:00

alright, i'm going to try my hardest (no really, i am) to update my blog since i talked to cory and he said that i haven't been updating it.... and i haven't. but i'm back! back in the lovely charleston, been here since..... saturday? yeah, CR picked me up from the airport at 1330 on saturday, and we picked DS up (her flight was delayed though), and we picked palooza up (wooo!). they're 2 of my 3 favorite romeo knob females. the first, of course, being my roommate. but yes, i'm back at the citadel, and i missed it. no matter how many retarded things we do, i still love it and missed it and all of my classmates (and all of my friends too). i'm glad to be back. unfortunately, i have exams, THAT'S what i wasn't looking forward to, exams and classes. BUT all is well, hopefully. i'm going to study my ass off, and if i can make a 1.5, then alls the better. but i may not be able to, which means i'll be on academic probation next semester (i'll be on it anyway, but a higher GPA means i may not have to take classes here in the summer) which is fine, because i'm going to make Gold Stars next semester (GPA of 3.7 or higher). if i can pass my discrete and chemistry class, i'll be good to go. because i do NOT want to take either again.

how was the trip back? BORING. i hate flying, i had to sit next to a very large man who kept leaning on me/falling asleep on me. i'm little. large people leaning on me? not a very good situation, especially since i have this touching thing. don't touch me. bah! then i flirted with 2 guys who worked at the starbucks in the ATL airport, and ended up having to sprint to my flight because i did so. ah well, they were cute and i needed soy. my thanksgiving? FANTASTIC. a bit boring, because i'm use to fast paced citadel life, but whatever. i found out that my family is slowly falling apart, and that my grandparents (especially my grandfather) are getting old. and that the vietnam war and agent orange may cause more grief that you could imagine for my family. but enough sad talk. enjoy the here and now, i say, and not to dwell on the future too much. so we're definitely out of food in our room. BUT i just got the package my mum sent on tuesday, which is packed with ramen and granola bars (only i've just remembered i've forgotten to buy dish detergent to wash everything out with. oh well, SA still doesn't have a fork and we don't have the bowls i bought yet). bah! we have granola bars, though, and hopefully bread, if CW pulls through. hahaha SA asked if i had trouble sleeping last night because she didn't hear me snoring (she facebook messaged me that she missed hearing me snore when she goes to sleep at night, i missed listening to her talk to the boys). i did, but there definitely won't be a repeat tonight, i already told here i'm going to knock the fuck OUT. we watched Blood Diamond with wells last night. we're finishing it up tonight, and starting..... Spiderman 3? i think so. anyway, i'm soooo glad to be back. it wasn't hard coming back here at all, but it will be when we come back from that MONTH long break, plus all 30-some-odd sophomores are released on to us. it'll suck for about a week, maybe 2, and then it'll just be another day. we have rec day on the 13th of april, so it's not that long away from when we come back. all of february, most of january, almost all of march, spring break for a little over a week then back for a bit then REC DAY. so like 3 more months. but those weeks leading up to it will SUCK. they're going to be all over our asses. but yeah, i've got to shine up and iron a new shirt (all before 1730). the boys went to play basketball (we have intramurals against PB), hopefully they win. i suck at basketball, so i'm staying here. we have a basketball game tonight.....

nearly there

2007-11-12T07:55:00.000-05:00

so that WT situation? yeah, i broke up with him on parent's weekend. my mum brought my cell and i def broke the fuck with him. i still semi-hate him. but he wants to see if "courting" again will work. i don't think it will, but that's just me. i don't think i could ever trust him again. and relationships are all about trust in one another, you know? plus neither one of us has a car now and he hasn't visited yet, whereas this time last year.... oh wait this time last year he CHEATED on me. that's right, and i stopped visiting him. douche. anyway, enough about how much a shit he is.

so maybe i haven't updated in over a month. my life i hectic, you know. here's what my daily schedule basically looks like:
MWFs:
0600- wake up (what ends up happening is i wake up at 0620)
0630- sweep detail (sweeping a fourth of the quad, and all 4 romeo division and taking out
ALL the trash)
0710- on line for breakfast formation and inspection
0735 to 0750- beal and i clean out room (read: shit hole) for MRIs
after breakfast to 0850- chillin in my room
0850 to 1150- class
1200- lunch formation/inspection
1230-back to room
1250 to 1450ish- chemistry (i'm in chemistry from 1300-1700 on wednesdays)
1450/1700 to 1730- shine/homework/tutoring
1730-sweep detail
1755- dinner formation
1950 to 2230- ESP
1830 to 2030/2130- math tutoring
2130 to 2200- other homework/goofing off with beal
2200 to 2230- shining
2230 to 2250- shower
2300 to whenever- bed/goofing off with the boys and beal/homework

TThs:
0540- wake up
0545- formation for morning PT
0630 to 0750- same as MWF
0800 to 1100- class
1100-1200- drill
1200- lunch formation
1300- army ROTC (no class on thursdays
1300 to 1545- class
1600 to 2300- same as MWFs

my day in a nut shell. there's LOTS of pushing and shining throughout the day. unfortunately, i have a 1.3 GPA (can you fucking BELIEVE it?? ME?!) and all the upperclassmen can't believe it and the fucking freak out about it ALL THE TIME. it pisses me off! you know, technically you aren't even suppose to ask what my GPA is, let alone tell other people about it you dumb shit. i ought to fucking report them or something about it. jesus. it makes me so angry. they forget academically, i'm NOT A KNOB. i'm almost a junior academically. so i'm taking all of THEIR classes and still doing all the knobby shit. but i've worked out a system (sort of), so it's getting better. unfortunately it's toward the end of my semester which basically means i'm fucked. but life isn't too terribly hard or difficult her. i have a permanent cold, apparently. and it goes from better to worse to better. but i have to brush my teeth and get ready to go to class. 5 days till i'll be in greensboro, 4 days until thanksgiving furlough...

ahh

2007-09-22T22:32:00.000-04:00

so come to find out that stupid fucking WT, is still doing the same shit he was this past fucking summer. and i call him on it, and he gets (as usual) all sad and sorry and shit. right. cry me a fucking river. and then he STOPS TALKING TO ME! what's the point of that? i hate men. really. if i didn't hate woman more, i'd be a lesbian (sorry for those of you who are lesbians, but i've told you this before). he pisses me off. so i IM him and i'm like "we need to talk" (not the breakup talk, because it's shitty to do that online, and i'm not going to shit out) so we can workout whatever is going on. annnd, you know what he does? he ends up blocking me on AIM. real mature. real cool too. so basically, i fucking hate WT and can't wait until we start talking again so i can say "i hate you, you sorry piece of fucking shit. it sucks that i WASTED MY TIME with you, since it was obviously just some ultimately hilarious game that you played with my feelings. yeah. what a riot."

but i'm spending the weekend here. friday shuey, lytle, and i walked to burger row. we met to knobs who are in the pipe band (they play bagpipes), and they were sooo funny. OMG, hilarity insued for about 2 or 3 hours in the Taco Bell/KFC. today i just stayed in and tried to do homework, but that didn't work out so well. so basically i just slept and did nothing/facebook-ed all day. it was great. but all-ins are about to start, so i'm going to pretend i'm alseep so i don't have to brace. goodnight all.

i'm alive! and i'm back!

2007-09-19T18:42:00.001-04:00

alright, i'm alive. no really, i am. well....partially, hahaha. hell week is over and it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be, it was just a lot of friggin PT (physical training), a lot of yelling, a LOT of PT, even more yelling, lots of drill, ummmm truthfully i don't even remember it all. but i do remember that it brought all of us (Romeo Company knobs, and other knobs) together. yeah we get into arguments with one another and all of us may not like each other, BUT we're Romeo knobs and we fucking stick up for one another. as our company commander tells us all the time, we're all we have; upperclassmen are not our friends, all we have are each other. my roommate is the fuckin sickest chic EVER; Beal is sooo cool. our neighbors are awesome too; the ones to our left fed us during hell week when we were getting the shit PTed out of us and getting zero food. the neighbors on our right help us out and entertain us (Stukes and Wells live on the left, and Rapchick and Mahaffey live on the right). Mahaffey gets racked a LOT, mainly cause he's Corp squad and doesn't give a shit. beals corps squad and she's wicked good on the volleyball court. Jacobson and Harris (they live on the left of Stukes and Wells) are fucking awesome....well.... harris is very self-absorbed, but jacobson is rad. and he's cute, hahaha but he's been with his girl for 3 years, and i'd never interfere with that, plus i've got my own idiot, so why tack on another guy? even if he is cute and hilarious (he's from boston, so he doesn't pronounce "r"s so i make fun of him ALL THE TIME).

i get racked a lot for not knowing my knob knowledge (who gives a shit?) and not always saluting (when i wear my glasses it's kinda hard to see in your peripheral, ya know? who knows. my classes are INSANE. i love them and everything, but taking 200 and 300 level classes on top of being a knob sucks. i'm taking: Discrete Structures (MATH 206), Calc 2(MATH 132, my transfer credits didn't add up, they had to be 4 not 3, so i have to take it again), Quantitative Analysis (CHEM 300), ORTN 101 (freshman orientation class), MLTY 101 (yeeeah army ROTC), Major Brit Writers (ENG 201, this fucking crazy ass english class. i HATE it), RPED 250 (it's like a high school health class, sooo easy). but yeah, i've got tons of homework. technically i'm a second semester sophmore and my roommate is a second semester freshmen (she took a bunch of AP classes or something in high school) so there should be lots of studying going on, but that doesn't happen. our room's the "party room", so the boys ALWAYS come into our room, so we have shine parties all the time. we had tons during hell week, and now it's just rolled over. we don't mind. beal is awesome, we get along soo well. i was afraid i was going to get some butch chic as a roomie, nope! i got a volleyball playing amazon who is friggin HILARIOUS. anyway, i've got english to do (gag). i've got PT in the morning and a spirit run friday, so it'll be late friday or saturday before i post again. i'm getting in the groove of things, so i'll be posting again. but probably in the morning, since most mornings i carry my laptop with me :-D

tomorrow!

2007-08-10T22:59:00.001-04:00

love hurts. grant it, it's not suppose to, but i just HAD to fall for the biggest asshole in the world. at least i made a new friends though, she's really cool. unfortunately, it would be nice if it had been in other circumstances, but oh well. i'm so glad i have friends like mc, brandon, VG, mary, Gimpy... the list goes on and on. without them, i probably wouldn't be able to survive. but luckily, i'm going to start hell week in a few hours, and i'm sure heavy doses of crew cuts and hot bodies will cure me of my heart ache. hahaha, if not, there is another who is always willing. no, that seems cruel to him. AAAAHH!! i'm glad i won't be able to think about it much. i've vented to 5 people about what's been going on (or hasn't been), and this is my last run. when i have time to think about it, i will. but i don't right now. eventually i have a feeling that i may just stop thinking about it at all. maybe that's for the best.

so i went to bed at 5am this morning because of packing, trying to squash my nervousness (thanks rosita), and getting advice from brandon and mc. i got up at 8am because mama wouldn't STOP CALLING. so 3 hours of sleep, and i was up and trying to clean my room and finish packing. FYI i have a LOT of shit. of course, as my mum pointed out, i would have had a lot more than if i were to have gone to a civilian university (a fridge, a TV, a dvd player, more clothes). but as it stands, i am not. and i still have tons of crap. so we ended up not leaving greensboro until 4pm-ish, when we were suppose to have left at noon. ah well, it's only a four hour drive. i miss my friends and family, but i'm going to get letters and emails and visits, so i don't miss everyone as much. ummm, i slept in the car, albeit a bit akwardly, since it's not made for sleeping. but it was relatively uneventful. and now my mum's watching Batman which is a really rad movie, not as good as 300 but close. so i'm going to got eat and shower and hit the sack. i have to report between 7am and 11am, and The Citadel is right down the street (literally), so hopefully it'll be closer to 8am or 9am. anyway, i'm sending out a mass email to everyone, i may not be back on until after hell week, so my emails my stall after hell week. so farewell for now.

puppy problems

2007-08-08T21:21:00.000-04:00

so today VietGirl, LL, and i all tried to get stupid WT to take this adorable (albeit LARGE) puppy. but it hasn't had its shots, and he can't afford to pay for them. so after nearly an entire day of "DO YOU WANT THE FUCKING PUPPY??!"s, he can't have it. which is very said cause Bailey is the cutest puppy ever. he's going to be a big boy when he grows up though (i was going to neatly omit that from my desciption of him to caleb...). he was sooo cute! but WT's going to get that f-ing dog, because he owes me a damn puppy! grant it, it's an albino boxer pup, but that's splitting hairs. it's also hot. very VERY hot. i'm going to roast in charleston. i hope i don't get sunburned again (one of my dimmest moments)...

okay, the truth about my leaving? i'm sooo nervous! i haven't regularly exercised since may. MAY!! my butt's going to be handed to me on a silver platter called "go the fuck home you lazy shit". and i haven't memorized anything yet. jesus, i'm sooo screwed. ahhh!! but my best friends parents have just called and had me cracking up (as did he), which makes me feel better. plus all my friends, despite knowing i haven't been running AT ALL, keep reassuring me that i'll do fine. i know it's going to be hard, and that i'm going to hate it. but it's one week of hellish training. if i can make it through that, alls the better. I WILL NOT BACK DOWN. i made the decision not to run, no matter how much i blame it on being at work or having too much to do, it was my choice. and now i'm going to have to own up to my actions. it won't be pretty, but most things in life aren't covered in glitter and sparkles and stars. now is the time that i start owning up to my actions and to my words, before i could just smoothly talk my way out of (most) things; but not any more. i suppose now is when i find out who i really am. i know i've changed very much from high school, but this--this experience--may alter my behavior forever. i will still be the same person, just older and wiser. so is The Citadel to blame? or is that just the sound of me growing up? time will tell, i suppose...

and so it begins....

2007-08-07T00:33:00.000-04:00

the beginning of one era and the start of another. in just 4 days, i will leave for The Citadel. in just 5 days, i'll no longer be a civilian. in 5 days i will lose my freedom, as it were. ahh.... am i excited? YES! do i regret it? NO! but i will miss my friends, my family, Borders (well, at least the nice regulars...)... but will i miss him? mein liebe? who knows.... ha, brandon just said that he never saw it coming, us breaking up; though we'd be together for a long time. so did i. did he? does it matter? probably not. life is very unpredictable; love more so than anything else in this world.